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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Paul Ryan Quietly Doing Seated Ab Exercises Throughout State Of The Union

WASHINGTON—Taking the opportunity to strengthen his core during the president’s hour-long remarks, House Speaker Paul Ryan is said to have quietly performed a series of ab exercises as he sat through the State of the Union address Tuesday, sources reported. “Twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty—come on, let’s push it, two more sets,” whispered Ryan, who reportedly grunted at regular intervals from his seat several feet behind President Obama as he targeted his midsection, obliques, and lower back with a regimen of ab squeezes, leg pull-ins, and seated crunches. “Keep it going now. Yeah, that burn is the body getting stronger. Stick with it.” At press time, Ryan was reportedly spotted grabbing a plastic sports bottle from the floor of the rostrum and dousing his face with water while the president described his vision for America’s future trade role in the Pacific.

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