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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Paul Simon Wondering How One Goes About Getting A Column On 'The Huffington Post'

NEW YORK—According to sources, acclaimed singer-songwriter Paul Simon visited The Huffington Post website Tuesday and wondered aloud about what a person needs to do to get a column with the popular online publication. "So is this the kind of thing where they try you out for a few weeks and see how you do before letting you contribute regularly, or how does this work?" said the 13-time Grammy winner and 2001 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductee. "Do I have to start a blog on my own first? Are you supposed to wait for them to approach you, or can you just go to them with an idea? I should see if I know anyone who has a connection over there. Oh, cool, Bradley Whitford has a blog." At press time, Simon had narrowed down the list of possible names for his column to "Paul's Posts" and "Simon Says."

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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