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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Paula Broadwell Crashing On Petraeus Family’s Couch Until Sex Scandal Blows Over

SPRINGFIELD, NH—In an effort to escape the intense media scrutiny surrounding her recently exposed liaison with former CIA director David Petraeus, Paula Broadwell is reportedly crashing on the Petraeus family’s couch until the uproar blows over. “Holly [Petraeus] has been the most gracious hostess throughout this whole ordeal,” Broadwell said of the woman whom she once spent hours interviewing while having an affair with her husband and writing his biography. “I wouldn’t blame her if the arrangement has left her feeling a little put out—houseguests can be a pretty big inconvenience—but she’s been really sweet about it. She gave me a couple of David’s old Army uniforms to sleep in and some fleece blankets from the closet.” At press time, sources confirmed Broadwell’s offer to help Holly Petraeus do the dishes had been politely rebuffed.

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