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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Paula Broadwell Crashing On Petraeus Family’s Couch Until Sex Scandal Blows Over

SPRINGFIELD, NH—In an effort to escape the intense media scrutiny surrounding her recently exposed liaison with former CIA director David Petraeus, Paula Broadwell is reportedly crashing on the Petraeus family’s couch until the uproar blows over. “Holly [Petraeus] has been the most gracious hostess throughout this whole ordeal,” Broadwell said of the woman whom she once spent hours interviewing while having an affair with her husband and writing his biography. “I wouldn’t blame her if the arrangement has left her feeling a little put out—houseguests can be a pretty big inconvenience—but she’s been really sweet about it. She gave me a couple of David’s old Army uniforms to sleep in and some fleece blankets from the closet.” At press time, sources confirmed Broadwell’s offer to help Holly Petraeus do the dishes had been politely rebuffed.

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