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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Paula Deen Releases Delicious New Butter Product Made From Her Breast Milk

SAVANNAH, GA—Expanding a retail line that already includes kitchen supplies, bakeware, and cookbooks, television personality and restaurateur Paula Deen today introduced Deen Farms Butter, a delicious dairy product concocted from her own breast milk. “My new butter’s so sweet and creamy, it’s just like a lil’ slice of heaven, y’all,” Deen said in this week’s episode of Paula’s Home Cooking while applying a generous pat of the tangy mammary butter to a freshly baked blueberry muffin. “Now, what I like to do is melt a stick of it in with my macaroni and cheese, and you know it’s just perfect drizzled over of a big ol’ pot of mashed potatoes, too. Dig in, y’all!" Though Deen’s new lactation spread represents her first foray into the food products realm, the chef indicated that she has several other tasty edibles in the pipeline, including Paula’s Perfect Pasta Topper, a rich bolognese sauce made from her own menstrual blood.

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