adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Paula Deen Releases Delicious New Butter Product Made From Her Breast Milk

SAVANNAH, GA—Expanding a retail line that already includes kitchen supplies, bakeware, and cookbooks, television personality and restaurateur Paula Deen today introduced Deen Farms Butter, a delicious dairy product concocted from her own breast milk. “My new butter’s so sweet and creamy, it’s just like a lil’ slice of heaven, y’all,” Deen said in this week’s episode of Paula’s Home Cooking while applying a generous pat of the tangy mammary butter to a freshly baked blueberry muffin. “Now, what I like to do is melt a stick of it in with my macaroni and cheese, and you know it’s just perfect drizzled over of a big ol’ pot of mashed potatoes, too. Dig in, y’all!" Though Deen’s new lactation spread represents her first foray into the food products realm, the chef indicated that she has several other tasty edibles in the pipeline, including Paula’s Perfect Pasta Topper, a rich bolognese sauce made from her own menstrual blood.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close