adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
End Of Section
  • More News

Paula Deen Releases Delicious New Butter Product Made From Her Breast Milk

SAVANNAH, GA—Expanding a retail line that already includes kitchen supplies, bakeware, and cookbooks, television personality and restaurateur Paula Deen today introduced Deen Farms Butter, a delicious dairy product concocted from her own breast milk. “My new butter’s so sweet and creamy, it’s just like a lil’ slice of heaven, y’all,” Deen said in this week’s episode of Paula’s Home Cooking while applying a generous pat of the tangy mammary butter to a freshly baked blueberry muffin. “Now, what I like to do is melt a stick of it in with my macaroni and cheese, and you know it’s just perfect drizzled over of a big ol’ pot of mashed potatoes, too. Dig in, y’all!" Though Deen’s new lactation spread represents her first foray into the food products realm, the chef indicated that she has several other tasty edibles in the pipeline, including Paula’s Perfect Pasta Topper, a rich bolognese sauce made from her own menstrual blood.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close