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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Pawlenty Supporters Can Only Dream What It Would Have Been Like If Candidate Dropped Out 2 Months Later

MINNEAPOLIS—Days after their candidate’s sudden withdrawal from the presidential race, dejected supporters of Republican Tim Pawlenty said Wednesday they could now only dream of what things might have been like if the former Minnesota governor had been able to drop out a couple months later. “Just imagine if he’d actually gotten the chance to be kicked around by pundits until October before collapsing under the weight of continually falling poll numbers and all but nonexistent support from donors,” said Natalie Van Druff, a volunteer who told reporters she was struggling to accept the fact that she wouldn’t be seeing Pawlenty end his campaign after a distant fourth-place finish in New Hampshire. “We put in so much work, and now we’ll never get to watch him limp along for another few months as a total also-ran. It’s just not fair.” Van Druff added that with Pawlenty out of the race, she would reluctantly support former Utah governor Jon Huntsman, who she said had the best chance of meekly bowing out by Thanksgiving.

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