adBlockCheck

Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
End Of Section
  • More News

PBS Moderators Spend First 10 Minutes Of Debate Asking Candidates For Fundraising Advice

MILWAUKEE—After introducing the two candidates onto the stage at the University of Wisconsin–Milwaukee, the moderators of Thursday night’s PBS-hosted Democratic debate reportedly spent the first 10 minutes of the forum asking both Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders for advice on fundraising. “Senator Sanders, you raised $6.5 million in the 24 hours after winning the New Hampshire primary this week, while Secretary Clinton, you have amassed over $150 million in donations to date; my first question to both of you is: How did you do that?” said PBS NewsHour anchor Gwen Ifill, before following up with a more pointed series of questions about how often each campaign cold-called prospective donors and what specific donation pitches were used in each candidate’s most successful fundraising emails. “We ask that you clearly articulate what kind of merchandising you do. Do you make a lot selling shirts and bumper stickers, or is it mostly just straight donations? And what about membership levels?” At press time, Ifill was asking each candidate to turn directly toward the camera and clearly say the phrase “Your generous contribution will ensure PBS continues to educate, inform, and inspire” into their lectern’s microphone.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close