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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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PBS Moderators Spend First 10 Minutes Of Debate Asking Candidates For Fundraising Advice

MILWAUKEE—After introducing the two candidates onto the stage at the University of Wisconsin–Milwaukee, the moderators of Thursday night’s PBS-hosted Democratic debate reportedly spent the first 10 minutes of the forum asking both Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders for advice on fundraising. “Senator Sanders, you raised $6.5 million in the 24 hours after winning the New Hampshire primary this week, while Secretary Clinton, you have amassed over $150 million in donations to date; my first question to both of you is: How did you do that?” said PBS NewsHour anchor Gwen Ifill, before following up with a more pointed series of questions about how often each campaign cold-called prospective donors and what specific donation pitches were used in each candidate’s most successful fundraising emails. “We ask that you clearly articulate what kind of merchandising you do. Do you make a lot selling shirts and bumper stickers, or is it mostly just straight donations? And what about membership levels?” At press time, Ifill was asking each candidate to turn directly toward the camera and clearly say the phrase “Your generous contribution will ensure PBS continues to educate, inform, and inspire” into their lectern’s microphone.

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