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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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PBS Moderators Spend First 10 Minutes Of Debate Asking Candidates For Fundraising Advice

MILWAUKEE—After introducing the two candidates onto the stage at the University of Wisconsin–Milwaukee, the moderators of Thursday night’s PBS-hosted Democratic debate reportedly spent the first 10 minutes of the forum asking both Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders for advice on fundraising. “Senator Sanders, you raised $6.5 million in the 24 hours after winning the New Hampshire primary this week, while Secretary Clinton, you have amassed over $150 million in donations to date; my first question to both of you is: How did you do that?” said PBS NewsHour anchor Gwen Ifill, before following up with a more pointed series of questions about how often each campaign cold-called prospective donors and what specific donation pitches were used in each candidate’s most successful fundraising emails. “We ask that you clearly articulate what kind of merchandising you do. Do you make a lot selling shirts and bumper stickers, or is it mostly just straight donations? And what about membership levels?” At press time, Ifill was asking each candidate to turn directly toward the camera and clearly say the phrase “Your generous contribution will ensure PBS continues to educate, inform, and inspire” into their lectern’s microphone.

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