adBlockCheck

Entertainment

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
End Of Section
  • More News

PBS Pulling Out The Fucking Big Guns Tonight With ‘Andrea Bocelli: One Night In Central Park’

ARLINGTON, VA—Telling reporters that they are “done fucking around,” executives from the Public Broadcasting Service announced this morning that they’re busting out the big guns tonight with a full two-hour broadcast of Andrea Bocelli: One Night In Central Park. “It’s time to get nasty,” said PBS president Paula Kerger, noting that the network is “going balls to the wall” with the 2011 concert featuring the widely beloved blind Italian tenor singing a collection of his most popular operatic pieces. “Sometimes, you pussyfoot around like a little fucking pansy with all this Charlie Rose and NewsHour shit, and you just gotta unload your major firepower. And Bocelli live on the Central Park Great Lawn alongside the New York Philharmonic is like 12 sawed-off shotguns blowing your goddamn nuts off.” Kerger added that once Bocelli gets to the bravura aria in “La Donna è Mobile,” it’ll be game fucking over.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close