PBS Pulling Out The Fucking Big Guns Tonight With ‘Andrea Bocelli: One Night In Central Park’

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Vol 49 Issue 34

Breaking Bad

AMC 9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT LeVar Burton takes children out to a river, where they catch rainbow trout and try to discern the fish’s personality just by how it flops around on the shore.

Monday, September 2

Due to budget cuts, beginning next week the library is replacing Movie Mondays with Blondie Comic–Reading Mondays.

$80,000 Wedding Beautiful

The Obama family adopts a 44-Year-Old Portuguese water man, a report shows that employers know within the first five minutes whether or not they will murder an applicant, and well, the neighbors just got a pitbull.

Chuck Klosterman Corners Guy At Party Wearing Dio Shirt

NEW YORK—Author Chuck Klosterman reportedly cornered a guy who was wearing a Dio shirt at a party Thursday evening and dominated an exhaustive discussion on the metal band, addressing the group’s fantasy themes, deconstructing lyrics, and expo...

Ben Affleck To Play Batman

The president of Warner Bros. announced yesterday that Ben Affleck will play the role of Batman in the 2015 sequel to this summer’s Man of Steel, in which Batman will join forces with Superman.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

PBS Pulling Out The Fucking Big Guns Tonight With ‘Andrea Bocelli: One Night In Central Park’

ARLINGTON, VA—Telling reporters that they are “done fucking around,” executives from the Public Broadcasting Service announced this morning that they’re busting out the big guns tonight with a full two-hour broadcast of Andrea Bocelli: One Night In Central Park. “It’s time to get nasty,” said PBS president Paula Kerger, noting that the network is “going balls to the wall” with the 2011 concert featuring the widely beloved blind Italian tenor singing a collection of his most popular operatic pieces. “Sometimes, you pussyfoot around like a little fucking pansy with all this Charlie Rose and NewsHour shit, and you just gotta unload your major firepower. And Bocelli live on the Central Park Great Lawn alongside the New York Philharmonic is like 12 sawed-off shotguns blowing your goddamn nuts off.” Kerger added that once Bocelli gets to the bravura aria in “La Donna è Mobile,” it’ll be game fucking over.

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