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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Peaceful Protest Interrupted By Swarm Of Aggressive Black-Clad Militants

PHILADELPHIA—Quickly turning what had been an orderly demonstration into a violent melee, a peaceful protest Friday was reportedly interrupted by a swarm of aggressive, black-clad militants. According to bystanders, the protesters had been marching and chanting without incident when they were suddenly set upon by the hostile militants who wielded blunt weapons and concealed their faces. Those who witnessed the event stated that the unprovoked aggressors seemed to have arrived planning to engage in some sort of violence, as evidenced by their protective padding and combative demeanor. Sources also confirmed that several of the militants surrounded an unarmed protester and severely beat him, and that some of the attackers also used slurs and threatening rhetoric while disrupting the peaceful march. At press time, outraged community members were demanding to know why none of the militants had been arrested.

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