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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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Peasant Wedding Gets Out Of Hand

OOTGROOT, FLANDERS—A peasant wedding in the Flemish town of Ootgroot degenerated into a drunken melee Friday, leaving several dead and the town's butter churn overturned.

Drunken peasants revel at the wedding of Margrethe, daughter of Jan the Beekeeper, and Pieter, an apprentice harness-maker. Spanish mercenaries were eventually called in to quell the chaos.

The wedding, described by observers as "coarse" and "picaresque," was quelled by the dawn of the Sabbath, but not before several in the wedding party perished and swine ran amok in the cornfield.

"Not since the Inquisition have I witnessed such unbridled carnage," said Boort der Dyck, local magistrate and owner of a fine yearling ass.

The wedding of Margrethe, daughter of Jan the Beekeeper, and Pieter, an apprentice harness-maker, happened to fall on the Feast of St. Anthony, patron saint of swineherds and bell-ringers. It is believed that this may have intensified the drunken revelry amongst guests. A great sheep's-bladder of cider was brought up from Antwerp for the occasion, and pipers were engaged to make merry music.

According to reports, vows were scarcely finished when the peasants began to fight over the cauldron of swill that served as the wedding repast. The abundance of cider and the pipers' ever-present melodies soon drove the peasants into a frenzy of mad whirling, gluttony and prankish behavior.

"Mies the Swineherd ripped his codpiece dancing about," said Grete, wife of Franck the Butcher. "And Joost the Dullard tied a bell to Puss' tail and dropped her in the well."

Delirious from the increasing mayhem, wedding patrons urinated out the windows of their thatched hovels, smashed earthenware jugs and whacked blind beggars with gourds.

The already-explosive situation soon deteriorated when a brawl broke out between members of the bride's and groom's families over the ownership of a pheasant.

"Pieter's clan argued that it now belonged to them because it was part of Margrethe's dowry, which Margrethe's family denied," Grete said. "Soon both parties were drubbing each other with their great meaty fists, which they scarcely felt because they were so full of the cider."

So disturbed was Erasmus van Ghent, burgomaster of Ootgroot, that he called upon a local garrison of Spanish mercenaries to put down the chaos. Witnesses report that the Spaniards took to their work with relish, impaling many with pikes, severing codpieces and setting huts ablaze. Within minutes of the Spaniards' arrival, the peasants scattered to parts unknown, and a relieved van Ghent rewarded the garrison with guilders and sacks of saltpeter.

"Plague take these sinners, and their ungodly ways," van Ghent said. "Such coarse, loutish behavior on the part of the lower classes is not to be tolerated."

Holy Roman Emperor Charles V could not be reached for comment.

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