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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Pediatricians Announce 2011 Newborns Are Ugliest Babies In 30 Years

ELK GROVE VILLAGE, IL—According to a statement released Tuesday by the American Academy of Pediatrics, the babies born in 2011 have thus far been the ugliest on record since 1981. "Although all newborns look a little freaky to some extent, this year's batch is, regrettably, particularly grotesque," AAP president Dr. Marion Burton said. "They have the stubbiest ears, the creepiest little toes—really, I can't do their repulsiveness justice in words. I'm just glad I'm not a parent who has to bring one of these mutts home. Jesus Christ." Burton said this revolting lot stood in stark contrast to the 2006 newborns, which were the sexiest he'd ever seen.

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