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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.
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Pediatricians Announce 2011 Newborns Are Ugliest Babies In 30 Years

ELK GROVE VILLAGE, IL—According to a statement released Tuesday by the American Academy of Pediatrics, the babies born in 2011 have thus far been the ugliest on record since 1981. "Although all newborns look a little freaky to some extent, this year's batch is, regrettably, particularly grotesque," AAP president Dr. Marion Burton said. "They have the stubbiest ears, the creepiest little toes—really, I can't do their repulsiveness justice in words. I'm just glad I'm not a parent who has to bring one of these mutts home. Jesus Christ." Burton said this revolting lot stood in stark contrast to the 2006 newborns, which were the sexiest he'd ever seen.

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