Pedophile Less Interested The More He Views 13-Year-Old's MySpace Profile

Top Headlines


Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Pedophile Less Interested The More He Views 13-Year-Old's MySpace Profile

LONGVIEW, TX—Area pedophile Dwight Sanderson said Monday that his interest in getting to know and eventually meeting member "Courtneee" has significantly declined after a closer read of the "lame" hobbies and "self-involved" blog entries on the 13-year-old's profile.

Pedophile Dwight Sanderson plods through the tedious details of 13-year-old Courtneee's profile.

According to Sanderson, 47, Courtneee's picture caught his eye while he was searching the Judson Middle School MySpace community and found her "Gemini_diva" page.

"At first, she seemed like my type of girl—innocent-looking, single, and, best of all, she lives right nearby," he said.

Sanderson continued: "Her profile seemed very enticing at first. She plays softball in the same park that I always hang around in. But right before I was going to leave her a private message, I decided to check out her latest blog post."

He said the 1,500-word entry "droned on and on" about everything from dealing with her great-grandmother's death last year to hopes for her new job as class treasurer.

"I'm looking for a cell-phone number and a home address, not your life story," he said.

Though admittedly discouraged, Sanderson, who classifies himself as "not very picky," said he still hoped that Courtneee could play a small, fleeting part in his future.

"I'm an optimist, even though I've been burned by girls like Courtneee in the past. You think you know everything about them—their dark secrets, their heroes, their class schedule—but they end up betraying your confidence and talking about your relationship behind your back to any authority figure who'll listen," Sanderson said.

Sanderson pointed out several other "red flags" in Courtneee's profile, including "pathetic, almost obsessive" blog entries about her ex-crush, the fact that her "Interests and Personality" section mentions that she might want to have children someday, and her terrible taste in movies.

"I'm used to getting involved with younger, less mature women, but she's got the sense of humor of an 8-year-old," Sanderson said. "I can't bring myself to pretend to like 50 First Dates, even to establish a base of shared interests, build rapport, and eventually earn her complete trust."

"Also, one of her friends left a recent comment accusing her of being a 'big-mouth who likes to spread rumors,'" Sanderson added. "I can't tell you how big a turnoff that is for me."

According to Sanderson, the most discouraging revelation came when he viewed Courtneee's "More Pics" section, in which she reportedly looks "way older" than she does in her featured front-page photo.

"When I saw the other pictures, I was like, 'How old is this girl, 15?'" Sanderson said. "In these pictures, she had braces, acne, noticeable breasts—nothing like the baby-faced little girl she appeared to be on her main page. She probably hasn't updated that picture in a year and a half."

Though he made a legally binding promise to himself and law-enforcement officials that he would never pursue another relationship like this, Sanderson says he nonetheless plans to "give it a shot."

"Internet dating can be risky," he said, "but at my age, and their age, it's really the only way."


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close