adBlockCheck

Local

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
End Of Section
  • More News

Pedophile Less Interested The More He Views 13-Year-Old's MySpace Profile

LONGVIEW, TX—Area pedophile Dwight Sanderson said Monday that his interest in getting to know and eventually meeting MySpace.com member "Courtneee" has significantly declined after a closer read of the "lame" hobbies and "self-involved" blog entries on the 13-year-old's profile.

Pedophile Dwight Sanderson plods through the tedious details of 13-year-old Courtneee's profile.

According to Sanderson, 47, Courtneee's picture caught his eye while he was searching the Judson Middle School MySpace community and found her "Gemini_diva" page.

"At first, she seemed like my type of girl—innocent-looking, single, and, best of all, she lives right nearby," he said.

Sanderson continued: "Her profile seemed very enticing at first. She plays softball in the same park that I always hang around in. But right before I was going to leave her a private message, I decided to check out her latest blog post."

He said the 1,500-word entry "droned on and on" about everything from dealing with her great-grandmother's death last year to hopes for her new job as class treasurer.

"I'm looking for a cell-phone number and a home address, not your life story," he said.

Though admittedly discouraged, Sanderson, who classifies himself as "not very picky," said he still hoped that Courtneee could play a small, fleeting part in his future.

"I'm an optimist, even though I've been burned by girls like Courtneee in the past. You think you know everything about them—their dark secrets, their heroes, their class schedule—but they end up betraying your confidence and talking about your relationship behind your back to any authority figure who'll listen," Sanderson said.

Sanderson pointed out several other "red flags" in Courtneee's profile, including "pathetic, almost obsessive" blog entries about her ex-crush, the fact that her "Interests and Personality" section mentions that she might want to have children someday, and her terrible taste in movies.

"I'm used to getting involved with younger, less mature women, but she's got the sense of humor of an 8-year-old," Sanderson said. "I can't bring myself to pretend to like 50 First Dates, even to establish a base of shared interests, build rapport, and eventually earn her complete trust."

"Also, one of her friends left a recent comment accusing her of being a 'big-mouth who likes to spread rumors,'" Sanderson added. "I can't tell you how big a turnoff that is for me."

According to Sanderson, the most discouraging revelation came when he viewed Courtneee's "More Pics" section, in which she reportedly looks "way older" than she does in her featured front-page photo.

"When I saw the other pictures, I was like, 'How old is this girl, 15?'" Sanderson said. "In these pictures, she had braces, acne, noticeable breasts—nothing like the baby-faced little girl she appeared to be on her main page. She probably hasn't updated that picture in a year and a half."

Though he made a legally binding promise to himself and law-enforcement officials that he would never pursue another relationship like this, Sanderson says he nonetheless plans to "give it a shot."

"Internet dating can be risky," he said, "but at my age, and their age, it's really the only way."

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close
settings