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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Pee-Wee Hockey Player Wishes Dad Cared Enough To Fight At Games

BISMARCK, ND—Nine-year-old pee-wee hockey player Connor Griffin confirmed Thursday that he wishes his dad cared enough about him and his Falcons teammates to curse, threaten, or even physically assault other parents during games. “He cheers a lot, which I guess is okay, but he’s never once shouted swear words at other dads or told a referee he’d kick his teeth in,” said Griffin, expressing disappointment that his father never questions calls or goes out on the ice to attack an official or opposing coach. “It just makes me sad because most of the other kids’ dads will at least call the other team ‘little pieces of shit,’ and my dad just tells me I’m doing a good job.” Chuck Griffin, 42, told reporters that a children’s hockey game is not an appropriate place for such aggression, especially compared to his older son’s pee-wee football games, where punching another dad is more a part of the culture.

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