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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Peer Group Forces Man To Have Opinion On 'Weird Al'

SANTA FE, NM—After 17 years of not thinking about "Weird Al" Yankovic, 31-year-old Tony Gilman was pressured into having and expressing a definite opinion on the popular novelty singer by members of his peer group Friday. "Sure, I listened to 'Fat' when I was a kid, but I wouldn't call myself a fan or anything," Gilman told reporters while socializing with friends at a bar. "And since I never thought of him as being highly regarded, I don't fall into the 'overrated' camp. That said, it's a bit of a stretch to call 'Weird Al' an 'underappreciated genius.' I mean, the guy is a parodist, for one, which in my view automatically makes him… Wait. I'm doing it. God fucking damn it." When the conversation turned to the Showtime program Dexter, Gilman left the table to go play darts.

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