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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Peer Group Forces Man To Have Opinion On 'Weird Al'

SANTA FE, NM—After 17 years of not thinking about "Weird Al" Yankovic, 31-year-old Tony Gilman was pressured into having and expressing a definite opinion on the popular novelty singer by members of his peer group Friday. "Sure, I listened to 'Fat' when I was a kid, but I wouldn't call myself a fan or anything," Gilman told reporters while socializing with friends at a bar. "And since I never thought of him as being highly regarded, I don't fall into the 'overrated' camp. That said, it's a bit of a stretch to call 'Weird Al' an 'underappreciated genius.' I mean, the guy is a parodist, for one, which in my view automatically makes him… Wait. I'm doing it. God fucking damn it." When the conversation turned to the Showtime program Dexter, Gilman left the table to go play darts.

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