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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Peer Group Forces Man To Have Opinion On 'Weird Al'

SANTA FE, NM—After 17 years of not thinking about "Weird Al" Yankovic, 31-year-old Tony Gilman was pressured into having and expressing a definite opinion on the popular novelty singer by members of his peer group Friday. "Sure, I listened to 'Fat' when I was a kid, but I wouldn't call myself a fan or anything," Gilman told reporters while socializing with friends at a bar. "And since I never thought of him as being highly regarded, I don't fall into the 'overrated' camp. That said, it's a bit of a stretch to call 'Weird Al' an 'underappreciated genius.' I mean, the guy is a parodist, for one, which in my view automatically makes him… Wait. I'm doing it. God fucking damn it." When the conversation turned to the Showtime program Dexter, Gilman left the table to go play darts.

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