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Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.
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Peewee Football Player Retires To Spend More Time With His Mom And Dad

FERNDALE, MI—After a storied three-month career as the starting running back, the third-string safety, and, when Billy's grandfather died, the punter for peewee football's Ferndale Jets, Jacob Banks, 10, announced Saturday afternoon he was retiring in order to spend more time with his mom and dad. "As much as I like talking to my friends out on the field and eating the pizza after Friday practices, I don't want to be the kind of kid who grows up never knowing his parents," Banks said at a press conference held at the big rock behind the recreational center, adding that he loves his mom and dad very much. "Family comes first for me, and my parents need me around to harass my older sister and break all the electronics in the house." Sources said the announcement took parents Rick and Laura Banks by surprise, as they had reportedly gotten used to enjoying six hours away from their son each week.

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