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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Peewee Football Player Retires To Spend More Time With His Mom And Dad

FERNDALE, MI—After a storied three-month career as the starting running back, the third-string safety, and, when Billy's grandfather died, the punter for peewee football's Ferndale Jets, Jacob Banks, 10, announced Saturday afternoon he was retiring in order to spend more time with his mom and dad. "As much as I like talking to my friends out on the field and eating the pizza after Friday practices, I don't want to be the kind of kid who grows up never knowing his parents," Banks said at a press conference held at the big rock behind the recreational center, adding that he loves his mom and dad very much. "Family comes first for me, and my parents need me around to harass my older sister and break all the electronics in the house." Sources said the announcement took parents Rick and Laura Banks by surprise, as they had reportedly gotten used to enjoying six hours away from their son each week.

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