Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Pence Passing Time During Trump’s Speech By Mentally Baptizing Senators

WASHINGTON—In an effort to keep himself virtuously occupied during President Donald Trump’s speech to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night, Vice President Mike Pence was reportedly passing time by mentally baptizing all of the senators in attendance. “Do you desire to obtain eternal life in the church of God through your faith in Jesus Christ?” Pence imagined himself asking every senator in the chamber, contentedly working his way down the aisles to welcome each of the legislators into the fold by tipping their head into the cleansing waters of the Lord. “Upon your profession of faith and accordance with the Lord’s command, I baptize you, Senator Feinstein of California, in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. May His everlasting light be with you always. Let us pray.” At press time, Pence had reportedly begun mentally stoning all 435 fornicators in the House of Representatives as the president’s speech entered its second hour.

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