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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Pence Passing Time During Trump’s Speech By Mentally Baptizing Senators

WASHINGTON—In an effort to keep himself virtuously occupied during President Donald Trump’s speech to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night, Vice President Mike Pence was reportedly passing time by mentally baptizing all of the senators in attendance. “Do you desire to obtain eternal life in the church of God through your faith in Jesus Christ?” Pence imagined himself asking every senator in the chamber, contentedly working his way down the aisles to welcome each of the legislators into the fold by tipping their head into the cleansing waters of the Lord. “Upon your profession of faith and accordance with the Lord’s command, I baptize you, Senator Feinstein of California, in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. May His everlasting light be with you always. Let us pray.” At press time, Pence had reportedly begun mentally stoning all 435 fornicators in the House of Representatives as the president’s speech entered its second hour.

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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

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