adBlockCheck

Sports

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Penguins Coach Assures Everyone That Dazed, Vomiting Sidney Crosby Is Progressing Nicely

PITTSBURGH—Following a Tuesday skate-around in which concussed team captain Sidney Crosby practiced for the first time since January, Penguins coach Dan Bylsma told reporters that his star player, who spent the majority of the press conference passed out and only occasionally woke up to vomit, is progressing nicely and should be back on the ice soon. "His recovery is right on schedule," Bylsma said as Crosby quietly slurred a complaint about how bright the lights were, fell into a daze, and began convulsing. "We're seeing some definite signs of improvement. We just have to keep at it until he can stand without assistance." Bylsma claimed the team could expect Crosby to return as early as next week, or when he can remember who he is, where he is, and what hockey is, whichever comes first.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close