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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Penguins Coach Assures Everyone That Dazed, Vomiting Sidney Crosby Is Progressing Nicely

PITTSBURGH—Following a Tuesday skate-around in which concussed team captain Sidney Crosby practiced for the first time since January, Penguins coach Dan Bylsma told reporters that his star player, who spent the majority of the press conference passed out and only occasionally woke up to vomit, is progressing nicely and should be back on the ice soon. "His recovery is right on schedule," Bylsma said as Crosby quietly slurred a complaint about how bright the lights were, fell into a daze, and began convulsing. "We're seeing some definite signs of improvement. We just have to keep at it until he can stand without assistance." Bylsma claimed the team could expect Crosby to return as early as next week, or when he can remember who he is, where he is, and what hockey is, whichever comes first.

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