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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Penn State Honors Legendary 2012 Legal Team During Halftime

STATE COLLEGE, PA—Recognizing their incredible contributions to both the athletic program and the school as a whole, Penn State University reportedly honored the legendary members of its 2012 legal team during halftime of Saturday’s football game against Ohio State. “Today, we are proud to celebrate those who delivered one of the greatest and most memorable legal performances in school history,” Beaver Stadium PA announcer Dean DeVore said as the group of waving middle-aged attorneys marched out to the 50-yard line to a resounding standing ovation from over 100,000 cheering fans. “These dedicated men and women worked tirelessly in the courtroom and together formed an ironclad defense that will be remembered for generations to come. Just as importantly, throughout their time here, they remained equally committed to the ideals and core values of Penn State. They truly represent all that it means to be a Nittany Lion.” Following the halftime ceremony, Penn State officials unveiled a 15-foot bronze statue of the illustrious litigators outside of the stadium’s Gate C entrance.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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