Penn State Students Trying To Understand Why They're There Now

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Vol 48 Issue 31

Spelling Bees

Game Show 8:00 p.m. EDT/7:00 p.m. CDT The popular Japanese game show makes its U.S. debut as contestants compete to spell wordswhile trapped in a chamber full of angry yellow jackets.

Breathtaking Easter Island

The island’s ancient, solemn carved stone faces, known as moai, are regarded by natives as deifications of long-dead ancestors and clan chieftains.

The World's Leakiest Faucets

Discovery 10:00 p.m. EDT/9:00 p.m. CDT There's a Delta kitchen faucet in Cincinnati that’s leaking so bad it’s seriously going drip, drip,drip, drip—that fast.

Sears Extremists Fly Plane Into Willis Tower

The nation’s poorest individuals are at least grateful they aren’t part of the nation’s long-suffering middle class, pictures of a smiling group of people are taken where John Lennon was murdered, and the highlight of an Alzheimer patien...

Unemployment Rate Up

Despite the addition of 163,000 jobs in July, the U.S. unemployment rate rose slightly to 8.3 percent, suggesting the economic recovery remained weak.

Area Man Still Searching For Hookup Subculture On LinkedIn

GLADYS, VA—After weeks of concerted effort aimed at trying to meet sexual partners through the professional networking site, local man Hugh Nesbitt told reporters Friday that he has yet to break in to the underworld of casual hookups surely hidden b...
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Penn State Students Trying To Understand Why They're There Now

'For School?' Students Ask Selves

STATE COLLEGE, PA—In response to the unprecedented NCAA sanctions levied against Penn State for the Jerry Sandusky child-abuse scandal, the 45,000 students enrolled in the school began openly wondering Monday why they were still attending the university. "I came here because I love football, and all I want to do is go to games with my friends on Saturdays," said confused sophomore Matthew Spencer, 19, studying the specifics of the four-year postseason ban, $60 million fine, and 20 scholarship reductions imposed on the football program. "If football is out of the picture, why am I here right now? Is it to go to class? Is that what I'm here for? Do I even care about that?" As of press time, every single member of Penn State's student body was reportedly browsing the fall semester transfer policies of Ohio State, Alabama, LSU, and Oklahoma State.

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