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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Penn State Students Trying To Understand Why They're There Now

'For School?' Students Ask Selves

STATE COLLEGE, PA—In response to the unprecedented NCAA sanctions levied against Penn State for the Jerry Sandusky child-abuse scandal, the 45,000 students enrolled in the school began openly wondering Monday why they were still attending the university. "I came here because I love football, and all I want to do is go to games with my friends on Saturdays," said confused sophomore Matthew Spencer, 19, studying the specifics of the four-year postseason ban, $60 million fine, and 20 scholarship reductions imposed on the football program. "If football is out of the picture, why am I here right now? Is it to go to class? Is that what I'm here for? Do I even care about that?" As of press time, every single member of Penn State's student body was reportedly browsing the fall semester transfer policies of Ohio State, Alabama, LSU, and Oklahoma State.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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