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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Penn State Students Trying To Understand Why They're There Now

'For School?' Students Ask Selves

STATE COLLEGE, PA—In response to the unprecedented NCAA sanctions levied against Penn State for the Jerry Sandusky child-abuse scandal, the 45,000 students enrolled in the school began openly wondering Monday why they were still attending the university. "I came here because I love football, and all I want to do is go to games with my friends on Saturdays," said confused sophomore Matthew Spencer, 19, studying the specifics of the four-year postseason ban, $60 million fine, and 20 scholarship reductions imposed on the football program. "If football is out of the picture, why am I here right now? Is it to go to class? Is that what I'm here for? Do I even care about that?" As of press time, every single member of Penn State's student body was reportedly browsing the fall semester transfer policies of Ohio State, Alabama, LSU, and Oklahoma State.

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