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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Pennington Gay Pride Day - Schedule Of Events

8:00 AM: The Gay Pride Planning Committee (Mayor Sue Hallinan, Nurse Jill, Megan, Ashley Pottsdale, and the Trapper Twins) invites you to the Kroger parking lot to help decorate the gay floats and assemble balloon rainbows.

11:00 AM: Carl and Tim Seidell pick up guest of honor and local Pennington homosexual, Paul Webster, in pink limo rented from Huxton Quality Autos.

12:30 PM: Parade proceeds down Central Ave, ending in Captain Pennington Square.

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1:30 PM: Information and Health Fair at the VFW Hall. Get your pamphlets ready to teach Paul about the dangers of unprotected gay sex, crystal meth addiction, and workplace discrimination.

1:45 PM: Official announcement of the results of Paul's AIDS test with Nurse Jill. Cross your fingers!

3:00 PM: Pride Rally in Pennington Park with guest speakers Chuck Borden, whose college roommate was gay, and Kyla Wilson, who visited the West Village during her trip to New York last summer.

5:00 PM: Weenies 'n Buns and Erotic Art Show in the Pennington High gym. Come have a hot dog and look at some gay erotic art painted by local Penningtonians in their spare time this week.

8:00 PM: Gay the Night Away. The street will be closed off in front of Tuffy's Tavern so that all of Pennington can dance and celebrate Paul's gayness until the sun comes up. Doug Kranowicz will be playing all of Elton John's greatest hits on his keyboard. No word as of yet, whether Paul will be singing along with Doug as "George Michael" in "Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me."

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