Pennington Gay Pride Day - Schedule Of Events

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Vol 47 Issue 09

MLB Quietly Euthanizes 120 Unnecessary Players

NEW YORK—In what it called a basic housecleaning move, Major League Baseball euthanized 120 players Wednesday, including Tyler Colvin, Nolan Reimold, and 118 others deemed inconsequential or redundant.

Sources Say Atlanta Thrashers 27-28-11

ATLANTA—Sources from within the Atlanta Thrashers organization indicated Thursday that the team currently ranks 11th in the Eastern Conference standings with a record of 27-28-11.

Dead Teenager Remembered For Great Hand Jobs

GOLDSBORO, NC—Friends, classmates, and loved ones gathered last night at a memorial service in the Westside High School gymnasium to celebrate the life of 17-year-old Brooke Belzer, who, before she died tragically in a car accident last week, was beloved for her bright personality and for giving easily the best hand jobs in the school.
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Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

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Pennington Gay Pride Day - Schedule Of Events

8:00 AM: The Gay Pride Planning Committee (Mayor Sue Hallinan, Nurse Jill, Megan, Ashley Pottsdale, and the Trapper Twins) invites you to the Kroger parking lot to help decorate the gay floats and assemble balloon rainbows.

11:00 AM: Carl and Tim Seidell pick up guest of honor and local Pennington homosexual, Paul Webster, in pink limo rented from Huxton Quality Autos.

12:30 PM: Parade proceeds down Central Ave, ending in Captain Pennington Square.

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1:30 PM: Information and Health Fair at the VFW Hall. Get your pamphlets ready to teach Paul about the dangers of unprotected gay sex, crystal meth addiction, and workplace discrimination.

1:45 PM: Official announcement of the results of Paul's AIDS test with Nurse Jill. Cross your fingers!

3:00 PM: Pride Rally in Pennington Park with guest speakers Chuck Borden, whose college roommate was gay, and Kyla Wilson, who visited the West Village during her trip to New York last summer.

5:00 PM: Weenies 'n Buns and Erotic Art Show in the Pennington High gym. Come have a hot dog and look at some gay erotic art painted by local Penningtonians in their spare time this week.

8:00 PM: Gay the Night Away. The street will be closed off in front of Tuffy's Tavern so that all of Pennington can dance and celebrate Paul's gayness until the sun comes up. Doug Kranowicz will be playing all of Elton John's greatest hits on his keyboard. No word as of yet, whether Paul will be singing along with Doug as "George Michael" in "Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me."

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