adBlockCheck

Recent News

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
End Of Section
  • More News

Pennington Gay Pride Day - Schedule Of Events

8:00 AM: The Gay Pride Planning Committee (Mayor Sue Hallinan, Nurse Jill, Megan, Ashley Pottsdale, and the Trapper Twins) invites you to the Kroger parking lot to help decorate the gay floats and assemble balloon rainbows.

11:00 AM: Carl and Tim Seidell pick up guest of honor and local Pennington homosexual, Paul Webster, in pink limo rented from Huxton Quality Autos.

12:30 PM: Parade proceeds down Central Ave, ending in Captain Pennington Square.

-->-->

1:30 PM: Information and Health Fair at the VFW Hall. Get your pamphlets ready to teach Paul about the dangers of unprotected gay sex, crystal meth addiction, and workplace discrimination.

1:45 PM: Official announcement of the results of Paul's AIDS test with Nurse Jill. Cross your fingers!

3:00 PM: Pride Rally in Pennington Park with guest speakers Chuck Borden, whose college roommate was gay, and Kyla Wilson, who visited the West Village during her trip to New York last summer.

5:00 PM: Weenies 'n Buns and Erotic Art Show in the Pennington High gym. Come have a hot dog and look at some gay erotic art painted by local Penningtonians in their spare time this week.

8:00 PM: Gay the Night Away. The street will be closed off in front of Tuffy's Tavern so that all of Pennington can dance and celebrate Paul's gayness until the sun comes up. Doug Kranowicz will be playing all of Elton John's greatest hits on his keyboard. No word as of yet, whether Paul will be singing along with Doug as "George Michael" in "Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me."

More from this section

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close