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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Pennington Gay Pride Day - Schedule Of Events

8:00 AM: The Gay Pride Planning Committee (Mayor Sue Hallinan, Nurse Jill, Megan, Ashley Pottsdale, and the Trapper Twins) invites you to the Kroger parking lot to help decorate the gay floats and assemble balloon rainbows.

11:00 AM: Carl and Tim Seidell pick up guest of honor and local Pennington homosexual, Paul Webster, in pink limo rented from Huxton Quality Autos.

12:30 PM: Parade proceeds down Central Ave, ending in Captain Pennington Square.

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1:30 PM: Information and Health Fair at the VFW Hall. Get your pamphlets ready to teach Paul about the dangers of unprotected gay sex, crystal meth addiction, and workplace discrimination.

1:45 PM: Official announcement of the results of Paul's AIDS test with Nurse Jill. Cross your fingers!

3:00 PM: Pride Rally in Pennington Park with guest speakers Chuck Borden, whose college roommate was gay, and Kyla Wilson, who visited the West Village during her trip to New York last summer.

5:00 PM: Weenies 'n Buns and Erotic Art Show in the Pennington High gym. Come have a hot dog and look at some gay erotic art painted by local Penningtonians in their spare time this week.

8:00 PM: Gay the Night Away. The street will be closed off in front of Tuffy's Tavern so that all of Pennington can dance and celebrate Paul's gayness until the sun comes up. Doug Kranowicz will be playing all of Elton John's greatest hits on his keyboard. No word as of yet, whether Paul will be singing along with Doug as "George Michael" in "Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me."

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