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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Pennsylvania Republican Doubts Vote He Just Suppressed Would Even Have Made A Difference

PITTSBURGH—After preventing likely Obama supporter Carmen Ruiz from registering to vote on Monday, Republican elections officer Donald Tobin admitted that he doubts the vote he suppressed would actually have made a difference come Election Day. “Obama’s going to win here no matter who I disenfranchise, so what’s the point?” said Tobin, adding that if he lived in a true swing state like Florida or Ohio, his vote suppression might actually count for something. “Honestly, what’s it say about our electoral system when, even if I exercise my right to turn an elderly or enfeebled U.S. citizen away because he doesn’t have a driver’s license, it basically means nothing. That’s not democracy.” Though he was clearly disappointed, Tobin decided he would place an “I Suppressed a Vote Today” sticker on his jacket collar, anyway.

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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

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