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Penny-Pinching Shopping Tips For Seniors

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Finance

Budget Travel Tips

With the bloated cost of airfare and hotels, many people are looking to save on travel however they can. Here are The Onion’s tips for planning a memorable vacation without overspending.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

Head Of IRS Has Personal Filing System To Keep Track Of Nation’s Tax Returns

Commissioner’s Office Cluttered With 100 Million Folders

WASHINGTON—Pointing out the towering stacks of manila folders cluttering his desk and stepping carefully around the millions of forms laid out on his office floor, Commissioner of the Internal Revenue Service John Koskinen showed reporters Thursday his own personal filing system for keeping track of everyone in the nation’s tax returns.

Grandmother Palms Grandson $10 Like She Fixing Boxing Match

NEW BEDFORD, MA—Waiting until her daughter and son-in-law were occupied getting drinks in the kitchen following a family dinner at her home Sunday, local grandmother Ellen Sullivan, 72, is said to have palmed her 11-year-old grandson Jason Tucci $10 like she was fixing a heavyweight boxing match.

Koch Brothers Get Each Other Same Election For Christmas

WICHITA, KS—Chuckling and shaking their heads as they described their annual family gift exchange to reporters, Koch Industries executives Charles and David Koch confirmed Wednesday they had unwittingly gotten each other the same election for Christmas this year.

Budget-Conscious Obamas Strongly Pushing Malia Toward UDC Community College

WASHINGTON—Repeatedly emphasizing the benefits of completing her core requirements at a fraction of the cost of a four-year school, President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama continued their efforts this week to persuade their 17-year-old daughter, Malia, to attend the University of the District of Columbia Community College.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Penny-Pinching Shopping Tips For Seniors

Shopping on the fixed budget of a retiree can be tough. Here are a few tips to help seniors stretch those retirement dollars.

  • Seniors aren't perceived as a shoplifting risk--steal wantonly
  • Coupons from the newspaper are a great way to bulk up that sandwich
  • Your decaying mind will grow ever more susceptible to infomercial scams as you grow older; smash your TV now for big savings later on
  • When buying a gift for an ailing spouse, be sure to save the receipt in case he or she dies
  • High-tech store security systems can stop your pacemaker, so be sure to wear a lead vest while shopping
  • Save big money on cancer treatment by clipping chemotherapy coupons from your Sunday newspaper insert
  • Debate receipt total with grocery-store cashier even if it's correct; arguing with old people is extremely unpleasant, and the cashier will give in just to make you go away
  • Don't speak too much to save on oxygen-tank refills
  • Write angry, rambling letters to elected officials

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