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The Onion’s Beach Bag Essentials

Each summer, Americans flock to the coasts to enjoy the sun and waves. Here are the beach bag must-haves you should never head to the shore without.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
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Penny-Pinching Shopping Tips For Seniors

Shopping on the fixed budget of a retiree can be tough. Here are a few tips to help seniors stretch those retirement dollars.

  • Seniors aren't perceived as a shoplifting risk--steal wantonly
  • Coupons from the newspaper are a great way to bulk up that sandwich
  • Your decaying mind will grow ever more susceptible to infomercial scams as you grow older; smash your TV now for big savings later on
  • When buying a gift for an ailing spouse, be sure to save the receipt in case he or she dies
  • High-tech store security systems can stop your pacemaker, so be sure to wear a lead vest while shopping
  • Save big money on cancer treatment by clipping chemotherapy coupons from your Sunday newspaper insert
  • Debate receipt total with grocery-store cashier even if it's correct; arguing with old people is extremely unpleasant, and the cashier will give in just to make you go away
  • Don't speak too much to save on oxygen-tank refills
  • Write angry, rambling letters to elected officials

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