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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Pentagon Loses Hard Drive With All The Movies On It

WASHINGTON—In what they described as one of the U.S. military's "most serious" security breaches to date, Pentagon officials acknowledged Friday that they could not confirm the whereabouts of a LaCie d2 Quadra external hard drive containing nearly 500 gigabytes of crucial materials, including all their favorite movies and several seasons of Entourage. "It could take months to recover the critical information we have lost," announced Adm. Michael Mullen, adding that the hard drive represents nearly 200 man-hours of confidential downloads. "All we've got left now is Brig. Gen. Nowak's DVD boxed set of The Lord Of The Rings and YouTube." The department's inspector general has vowed a full investigation, and military police have tightened security around other stores of highly sensitive data, including the file cabinet with all the takeout menus.

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