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Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied

Perplexed local man Russell Chambliss has no idea if the coworkers seated with him at Malone’s Irish Tavern are attempting to forge a male bond with him or cruelly harassing him, the 26-year-old shipping clerk told reporters Wednesday evening.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Trump’s Budget Proposal: What You Need To Know

President Trump has revealed his first budget blueprint, which contains $54 billion in cuts while accommodating increased spending on defense and security. The Onion details the major elements of Trump’s proposed budget:
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Pentagon Report Concludes Too Many Soldiers Have Same Nickname

ARLINGTON, VA—An inquiry into last month's fatal midair collision of fighter planes piloted by Maj. John "Scorch" Basin and Col. Keith "Scorch" Vitullo has found that a dangerous number of U.S. servicemen use the same nickname. "For commanders on the ground, calling out 'O-Ring' or 'Stroke' and having multiple heads turn poses a logistical nightmare and a grave risk to our troops in the field," chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Michael "Scorch" Mullen told reporters Tuesday. "How are you supposed to launch a predawn raid on a terrorist safe house when you've got 40 different men answering to the name 'Tex'?" In an effort to combat the problem, the Navy has issued a directive ordering 16,000 sailors currently known as "Topside" to henceforth use the nickname "Petty Officer 2nd Class Douglas C. Romero."

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Trump’s Budget Proposal: What You Need To Know

President Trump has revealed his first budget blueprint, which contains $54 billion in cuts while accommodating increased spending on defense and security. The Onion details the major elements of Trump’s proposed budget:

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