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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Pentagon Report Concludes Too Many Soldiers Have Same Nickname

ARLINGTON, VA—An inquiry into last month's fatal midair collision of fighter planes piloted by Maj. John "Scorch" Basin and Col. Keith "Scorch" Vitullo has found that a dangerous number of U.S. servicemen use the same nickname. "For commanders on the ground, calling out 'O-Ring' or 'Stroke' and having multiple heads turn poses a logistical nightmare and a grave risk to our troops in the field," chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Michael "Scorch" Mullen told reporters Tuesday. "How are you supposed to launch a predawn raid on a terrorist safe house when you've got 40 different men answering to the name 'Tex'?" In an effort to combat the problem, the Navy has issued a directive ordering 16,000 sailors currently known as "Topside" to henceforth use the nickname "Petty Officer 2nd Class Douglas C. Romero."

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Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

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