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Politics

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

CEO Worked Way Up From Son Of CEO

Though today he holds a powerful position as head of a leading information technology firm, MergeMedia CEO Gary Lightman told reporters Thursday he, amazingly, worked his way to the very top of the company from humble beginnings as the son of the previous...

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Pentagon Ripped Off By Shady Weapons Dealer

ARLINGTON, VA—Defense Secretary Robert Gates admitted losing $192 million in defense funds Tuesday when he unwittingly purchased a large number of bogus BGM-109 Tomahawk missiles from a disreputable arms dealer known only as "Steve." "When I got the crate open at the office, it turned out the 'missiles' were nothing more than old sewer pipes filled with newspapers and capped with construction cones, all painted to look legit," Gates said of the transaction that was set up through an undersecretary whose brother-in-law knew a guy looking to unload some long-range strategic weapons. "I probably should have known when he tried to sell me a bunch of sunglasses, too." Gates confirmed that troops in Afghanistan are scheduled to receive the counterfeit missiles next week.

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