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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Pentagon To Withhold Budget Figures Out Of Respect For American Families

ARLINGTON, VA—Officials at the Pentagon announced Monday that they would no longer make the budget of the Defense Department public, explaining that the information would be "extremely disrespectful" to American families at a time of economic turmoil. "Disclosing the cost of even one Patriot missile could seriously damage the morale of a nation just trying to keep food on the table," Defense Secretary Robert Gates said of the new policy. "It would be a slap in the face to all the hardworking citizens who continue to struggle and sacrifice day after day." Gates added that revealing the expense of maintaining America's military presence in more than 150 nations worldwide might also break the spirits of returning veterans unable to obtain adequate health care.

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