Penthouse Reader Never Thought This Would Happen To Him

Top Headlines

Local

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Penthouse Reader Never Thought This Would Happen To Him

NEW YORK—In a startling, improbable turn of events, a reader of the popular men's entertainment magazine Penthouse recently became involved in a real-life sex-fantasy scenario, the likes of which he had previously believed impossible for "an ordinary guy like me," Forum sources reported Monday.

This <I>Penthouse </I>reader's recent camping trip unexpectedly turned into a weekend of wild erotic abandon with three gorgeous, nymphomaniacal, bisexual sorority co-eds. His name and address have been withheld by request.

"I never thought anything like this would ever happen to me," the surprised and delighted reader—whose name and address are being withheld at this time—told reporters at a press conference following publication of his tale in the February issue of Penthouse.

Penthouse

"Though I have read and enjoyed the letters in Penthouse's Forum section for many years, I must admit that, until now, I had always thought they were made up. It just seemed too much of a stretch of credulity to believe that they are true, real-life tales of actual readers," the man said. "But a recent experience caused me to put aside my skepticism."

The man also noted that, although he had been a fan of the Penthouse Forum letters section for a long time, this was the first time he had ever written in himself.

Experts at the Penthouse Forum Anecdote-Veracity Verification Institute confirmed that the man's account is authentic.

"By carefully examining such stories for hidden psychosocial inconsistencies, we are able, with an alarming degree of accuracy, to determine whether the erotic-exploit depictions we receive from around the world are true, or merely the product of the overactive imaginations of frustrated, sexually dissatisfied daydreamers," Penthouse's Dr. Emil Shank said. "Upon close examination of this most recent submission, we feel confident in stating that it is 100 percent authentic, despite how unbelievable the story may at first appear to non-experts."

"And what a story it is!" Shank added. He then emitted a long, low whistle as a nonverbal indicator of just how sexually arousing the anonymous man's experience was.

"Before I go any further, let me first describe myself and my friend and camping buddy, Jake," the reader told reporters. "We are both in our mid-20s, and are extremely muscular and athletic, with tanned, sculpted bodies, luscious locks of blonde hair, and tight, shapely buns."

The reader went on to state that both he and his friend Jake are extraordinarily well-endowed, with penis lengths of 10 and 12 inches, respectively, well above the national penis-length average of five and three-quarters inches.

"Now that you know what we look like," the reader continued, "let me just say that when Jake and I decided to make plans for an ordinary weekend camping getaway, the last thing on our minds was the possibility of running into three gorgeous, nymphomaniacal, bi-sexual sorority co-eds, miles from civilization, surrounded by the primal wilderness of unspoiled nature, where our passions could reach untold heights far from the disapproving eyes of society."

"But," he clarified, "I'm getting ahead of myself."

The unnamed reader then recounted how, while fishing, he and Jake were surprised to discover a young, unclothed woman bathing at the nearby shoreline, her breasts, buttocks and vagina in full view.

"Instead of shrieking off into the woods and covering herself, this woman, whom we later learned was named Kiki, invited us to row our canoe over to her and participate in sexual activity so explicit and erotic that we had previously only imagined it in our wildest dreams," the man said.

Also surprising, the reader said, was the fact that, shortly thereafter, he and his friend were introduced to Kiki's two roommates, Sandi and Michelle, who engaged in erotic abandon with them for the rest of the weekend.

The reader, pausing at intervals to dab his forehead with a small cloth, then offered an in-depth account of the many sex acts performed by the five consenting adults, including details regarding: whose genitals were being sucked, probed and stimulated by whom at what times; which women were chesty and which were petite; the color and shaved-or-unshaved status of the genital hair of each female participant; and the relative positions and frequency of orgasm experienced by each of the two-, three-, four- and five-person coital combinations which occurred over course of the 48-hour period.

Reporters present at the press conference agreed that the account was so erotic and sexually explicit that, if recounted in private, it would likely cause one to become aroused and even masturbate to orgasm.

"In short, let's just say that Jake and I are looking forward to camping again real soon!" the reader said, concluding the press conference.

"Jake," last name unknown, could not be reached for comment as of press time.

Next Story