Penthouse Reader Never Thought This Would Happen To Him

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Vol 33 Issue 02

Microsoft Signs Justice Dept. Attorney To $350 Million Endorsement Deal

REDMOND, WA—Microsoft Corp. signed Justice Department assistant attorney general Joel Klein to a three-year, $350 million endorsement deal Monday. Klein, who will appear in Microsoft TV and print ads, joins a growing list of high-profile government personalities who have signed endorsement deals with the software giant, including solicitor general Seth Waxman, FTC chair Robert Pitofsky and federal judge Thomas Penfield Jackson. "We are thrilled to have a big-time celebrity like Joel Klein endorsing our products," Microsoft’s Bill Gates said. "This highly recognizable figure should help greatly increase public awareness of Microsoft." Said Klein: "I am very excited to lend my image and name to Microsoft, America’s Software People. The company has long impressed me with the high quality of its products and its fair, non-monopolistic business practices." Klein then issued a cease-and-desist order against Apple Computer for anti-competitive pricing tactics, deceptive advertising, and unlawful employment of underage slave labor.

Local Couple Needs To Talk

TAMPA, FL—According to a just-released report, Tampa resident Phillip Washburn and girlfriend Jennifer Healy badly need to talk. "Despite the seemingly solid nature of the couple’s relationship," the report read, "Washburn and Healy need to get some things straight and determine just where things stand right now. They also need to figure out exactly where they’re headed." If the couple fails to talk, they face possible breakup, redistribution of personal items, and an undetermined period of involuntary abstinence.

MTV Promotes, Airs, Condemns Controversial New Video

NEW YORK—MTV is reacting with stern condemnation and heavy rotation to the video for "Cut My Slut’s Cunt Up," the controversial new song by Miscogynator, a Keith Flint-fronted Prodigy side project. The video, which has outraged feminists with its graphic depictions of nude women being brutally beaten, is, according to MTV News' Kurt Loder, "an offensive, sick, degrading abomination that goes beyond all limits of decency, and will be aired unedited at least 15 times a day on MTV. Watch it often, and see for yourself just how wrong it is." Said MTV president David Zell: "Because of the disgusting, reprehensible nature of this video, MTV is only airing it between 11 p.m. and 7 a.m. EST, when all teens are asleep, and between 8 a.m. and 3 p.m. EST, when all teens are at school. This tough stance will ensure that no underage viewers will ever be exposed to this crass exercise in exploitation."

Congress To Ironhead: 'What's With This Thingy?'

WASHINGTON, DC—Under fire for a litany of alleged "inappropriately feminine" personal-hygiene practices, St. Louis Rams running back Craig "Ironhead" Heyward testified under federal subpoena Monday before the Senate Investigatory Subcommittee on Bath And Shower Gender-Role Standards And Norms.

HUD Allocates $260 Million For Low-Outcome Housing

WASHINGTON, DC—Department of Housing and Urban Development Secretary Andrew Cuomo announced Wednesday that his department will allocate $260 million toward the construction of more than 50,000 low-outcome housing units in cities across the U.S.

I Wish To Go To Heaven

Booooo! It is I, the ghost of Herman Ulysses Zweibel, founder of The Onion, or, as it was known in my day, The Mercantile-Onion. Booooo!
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Penthouse Reader Never Thought This Would Happen To Him

NEW YORK—In a startling, improbable turn of events, a reader of the popular men's entertainment magazine Penthouse recently became involved in a real-life sex-fantasy scenario, the likes of which he had previously believed impossible for "an ordinary guy like me," Forum sources reported Monday.

This <I>Penthouse </I>reader's recent camping trip unexpectedly turned into a weekend of wild erotic abandon with three gorgeous, nymphomaniacal, bisexual sorority co-eds. His name and address have been withheld by request.

"I never thought anything like this would ever happen to me," the surprised and delighted reader—whose name and address are being withheld at this time—told reporters at a press conference following publication of his tale in the February issue of Penthouse.

Penthouse

"Though I have read and enjoyed the letters in Penthouse's Forum section for many years, I must admit that, until now, I had always thought they were made up. It just seemed too much of a stretch of credulity to believe that they are true, real-life tales of actual readers," the man said. "But a recent experience caused me to put aside my skepticism."

The man also noted that, although he had been a fan of the Penthouse Forum letters section for a long time, this was the first time he had ever written in himself.

Experts at the Penthouse Forum Anecdote-Veracity Verification Institute confirmed that the man's account is authentic.

"By carefully examining such stories for hidden psychosocial inconsistencies, we are able, with an alarming degree of accuracy, to determine whether the erotic-exploit depictions we receive from around the world are true, or merely the product of the overactive imaginations of frustrated, sexually dissatisfied daydreamers," Penthouse's Dr. Emil Shank said. "Upon close examination of this most recent submission, we feel confident in stating that it is 100 percent authentic, despite how unbelievable the story may at first appear to non-experts."

"And what a story it is!" Shank added. He then emitted a long, low whistle as a nonverbal indicator of just how sexually arousing the anonymous man's experience was.

"Before I go any further, let me first describe myself and my friend and camping buddy, Jake," the reader told reporters. "We are both in our mid-20s, and are extremely muscular and athletic, with tanned, sculpted bodies, luscious locks of blonde hair, and tight, shapely buns."

The reader went on to state that both he and his friend Jake are extraordinarily well-endowed, with penis lengths of 10 and 12 inches, respectively, well above the national penis-length average of five and three-quarters inches.

"Now that you know what we look like," the reader continued, "let me just say that when Jake and I decided to make plans for an ordinary weekend camping getaway, the last thing on our minds was the possibility of running into three gorgeous, nymphomaniacal, bi-sexual sorority co-eds, miles from civilization, surrounded by the primal wilderness of unspoiled nature, where our passions could reach untold heights far from the disapproving eyes of society."

"But," he clarified, "I'm getting ahead of myself."

The unnamed reader then recounted how, while fishing, he and Jake were surprised to discover a young, unclothed woman bathing at the nearby shoreline, her breasts, buttocks and vagina in full view.

"Instead of shrieking off into the woods and covering herself, this woman, whom we later learned was named Kiki, invited us to row our canoe over to her and participate in sexual activity so explicit and erotic that we had previously only imagined it in our wildest dreams," the man said.

Also surprising, the reader said, was the fact that, shortly thereafter, he and his friend were introduced to Kiki's two roommates, Sandi and Michelle, who engaged in erotic abandon with them for the rest of the weekend.

The reader, pausing at intervals to dab his forehead with a small cloth, then offered an in-depth account of the many sex acts performed by the five consenting adults, including details regarding: whose genitals were being sucked, probed and stimulated by whom at what times; which women were chesty and which were petite; the color and shaved-or-unshaved status of the genital hair of each female participant; and the relative positions and frequency of orgasm experienced by each of the two-, three-, four- and five-person coital combinations which occurred over course of the 48-hour period.

Reporters present at the press conference agreed that the account was so erotic and sexually explicit that, if recounted in private, it would likely cause one to become aroused and even masturbate to orgasm.

"In short, let's just say that Jake and I are looking forward to camping again real soon!" the reader said, concluding the press conference.

"Jake," last name unknown, could not be reached for comment as of press time.

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