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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Penthouse Reader Never Thought This Would Happen To Him

NEW YORK—In a startling, improbable turn of events, a reader of the popular men's entertainment magazine Penthouse recently became involved in a real-life sex-fantasy scenario, the likes of which he had previously believed impossible for "an ordinary guy like me," Forum sources reported Monday.

This <I>Penthouse </I>reader's recent camping trip unexpectedly turned into a weekend of wild erotic abandon with three gorgeous, nymphomaniacal, bisexual sorority co-eds. His name and address have been withheld by request.

"I never thought anything like this would ever happen to me," the surprised and delighted reader—whose name and address are being withheld at this time—told reporters at a press conference following publication of his tale in the February issue of Penthouse.

Penthouse

"Though I have read and enjoyed the letters in Penthouse's Forum section for many years, I must admit that, until now, I had always thought they were made up. It just seemed too much of a stretch of credulity to believe that they are true, real-life tales of actual readers," the man said. "But a recent experience caused me to put aside my skepticism."

The man also noted that, although he had been a fan of the Penthouse Forum letters section for a long time, this was the first time he had ever written in himself.

Experts at the Penthouse Forum Anecdote-Veracity Verification Institute confirmed that the man's account is authentic.

"By carefully examining such stories for hidden psychosocial inconsistencies, we are able, with an alarming degree of accuracy, to determine whether the erotic-exploit depictions we receive from around the world are true, or merely the product of the overactive imaginations of frustrated, sexually dissatisfied daydreamers," Penthouse's Dr. Emil Shank said. "Upon close examination of this most recent submission, we feel confident in stating that it is 100 percent authentic, despite how unbelievable the story may at first appear to non-experts."

"And what a story it is!" Shank added. He then emitted a long, low whistle as a nonverbal indicator of just how sexually arousing the anonymous man's experience was.

"Before I go any further, let me first describe myself and my friend and camping buddy, Jake," the reader told reporters. "We are both in our mid-20s, and are extremely muscular and athletic, with tanned, sculpted bodies, luscious locks of blonde hair, and tight, shapely buns."

The reader went on to state that both he and his friend Jake are extraordinarily well-endowed, with penis lengths of 10 and 12 inches, respectively, well above the national penis-length average of five and three-quarters inches.

"Now that you know what we look like," the reader continued, "let me just say that when Jake and I decided to make plans for an ordinary weekend camping getaway, the last thing on our minds was the possibility of running into three gorgeous, nymphomaniacal, bi-sexual sorority co-eds, miles from civilization, surrounded by the primal wilderness of unspoiled nature, where our passions could reach untold heights far from the disapproving eyes of society."

"But," he clarified, "I'm getting ahead of myself."

The unnamed reader then recounted how, while fishing, he and Jake were surprised to discover a young, unclothed woman bathing at the nearby shoreline, her breasts, buttocks and vagina in full view.

"Instead of shrieking off into the woods and covering herself, this woman, whom we later learned was named Kiki, invited us to row our canoe over to her and participate in sexual activity so explicit and erotic that we had previously only imagined it in our wildest dreams," the man said.

Also surprising, the reader said, was the fact that, shortly thereafter, he and his friend were introduced to Kiki's two roommates, Sandi and Michelle, who engaged in erotic abandon with them for the rest of the weekend.

The reader, pausing at intervals to dab his forehead with a small cloth, then offered an in-depth account of the many sex acts performed by the five consenting adults, including details regarding: whose genitals were being sucked, probed and stimulated by whom at what times; which women were chesty and which were petite; the color and shaved-or-unshaved status of the genital hair of each female participant; and the relative positions and frequency of orgasm experienced by each of the two-, three-, four- and five-person coital combinations which occurred over course of the 48-hour period.

Reporters present at the press conference agreed that the account was so erotic and sexually explicit that, if recounted in private, it would likely cause one to become aroused and even masturbate to orgasm.

"In short, let's just say that Jake and I are looking forward to camping again real soon!" the reader said, concluding the press conference.

"Jake," last name unknown, could not be reached for comment as of press time.

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