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Who's Fucking: Zack and Evan

Coworkers Zack and Evan talk about moving past first impressions, stepping out of your comfort zone, and understanding what it really means to fuck someone.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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People-Watcher Catches Glimpse Of Rare North American Black Doofus

AKRON, OH—After sitting for nearly three hours in his usual spot behind a café window downtown, people-watcher Peter Mitchell was thrilled Thursday to log a rare sighting of a North American Black Doofus. The Doofus, described by Mitchell as young and spazzy with prominent spotted plumage, was at first concealed by three much more common Suited Dill Weeds, but the people-watcher was afforded an unobstructed view once the Dill Weeds left the scene to pursue a flock of Large-Breasted Skanks. "Shhhh, don't frighten it," whispered Mitchell, awestruck by the exceptional specimen. "Now, if you look right behind him there, you'll see a Chinese Cross-Dresser. They're rare enough to spot on their own, but it's almost unheard of to see these two in the same habitat." Mitchell took note of the sightings in his people-watching notebook, a behavioral tic that is apparently common to the Squatting Coffee-Shop Creep.

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