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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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People-Watcher Catches Glimpse Of Rare North American Black Doofus

AKRON, OH—After sitting for nearly three hours in his usual spot behind a café window downtown, people-watcher Peter Mitchell was thrilled Thursday to log a rare sighting of a North American Black Doofus. The Doofus, described by Mitchell as young and spazzy with prominent spotted plumage, was at first concealed by three much more common Suited Dill Weeds, but the people-watcher was afforded an unobstructed view once the Dill Weeds left the scene to pursue a flock of Large-Breasted Skanks. "Shhhh, don't frighten it," whispered Mitchell, awestruck by the exceptional specimen. "Now, if you look right behind him there, you'll see a Chinese Cross-Dresser. They're rare enough to spot on their own, but it's almost unheard of to see these two in the same habitat." Mitchell took note of the sightings in his people-watching notebook, a behavioral tic that is apparently common to the Squatting Coffee-Shop Creep.

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