adBlockCheck

People-Watcher Catches Glimpse Of Rare North American Black Doofus

Top Headlines

Local

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Surprises

  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

People-Watcher Catches Glimpse Of Rare North American Black Doofus

AKRON, OH—After sitting for nearly three hours in his usual spot behind a café window downtown, people-watcher Peter Mitchell was thrilled Thursday to log a rare sighting of a North American Black Doofus. The Doofus, described by Mitchell as young and spazzy with prominent spotted plumage, was at first concealed by three much more common Suited Dill Weeds, but the people-watcher was afforded an unobstructed view once the Dill Weeds left the scene to pursue a flock of Large-Breasted Skanks. "Shhhh, don't frighten it," whispered Mitchell, awestruck by the exceptional specimen. "Now, if you look right behind him there, you'll see a Chinese Cross-Dresser. They're rare enough to spot on their own, but it's almost unheard of to see these two in the same habitat." Mitchell took note of the sightings in his people-watching notebook, a behavioral tic that is apparently common to the Squatting Coffee-Shop Creep.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close