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How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

People Who Produce American Culture Warning Nation Ahead Of Time That Rest Of 2011 Going To Be Pretty Rough

NEW YORK—A coalition of artists, filmmakers, novelists, musicians, fashion designers, and other producers of American culture issued a joint statement this week warning the nation's citizens that the remainder of 2011 was going to be "pretty rough stuff."

Looking over their upcoming offerings, the nation's producers of culture warned the American people that 2011 was shaping up to be "a real doozy."

The statement, which was signed and endorsed by every person working creatively nationwide, confirmed that the next eight months would be "a train wreck" and very likely the lousiest cultural period on record since 1999.

"We're urging everybody out there who is a consumer of American art and culture to prepare themselves, because they've got a real shit show headed their way," coalition member and movie producer Neal Moritz told reporters. "Maybe you'd already guessed, considering how much crap has already been churned out this year, but let me tell you right now: It's about to get worse. A lot worse. Brace yourselves."

"I'd like to say we tried our best, but we all know that's not true," Moritz added.

Saying it was "only fair" to let the American people know what they were getting into, thousands of artists and mass-culture producers across the country confirmed that after the release of an Eddie Vedder solo album in May, followed by the Jim Carrey film Mr. Popper's Penguins in June, and then a new Tim Allen sitcom in the fall, citizens will soon start asking themselves why they even bother.

Even distinguished artists, ranging from novelist Philip Roth to painter and photographer Chuck Close, verified in the statement that their upcoming 2011 works would be far from their best, and would only add to the feeling of cultural malaise expected to reach its low point sometime in late autumn.

"Oh man, you should see some of the American culture we've got lined up," said Atlantic Records A&R executive Tom Meyerson, holding a list of all forthcoming films, books, music, visual art, and poems slated for 2011. "About 4,500 terrible novels, some movie called The Zookeeper with Kevin James, and a shitload of new sculptures that we got a sneak peak of and, trust me, these things are not looking too good at all."

"Also, just to be clear, we're still going to inundate every square inch of the country with misleading advertisements about how great these projects are, which, of course, will just be part of the overall awfulness," Meyerson added. "Hey, at least now you can't say you weren't warned."

The purveyors of American culture were quick to point out that, while they were strongly tempted to scrap everything for the rest of the year and just focus on 2012, commercial considerations had forced them to see their work through—especially considering that if they pulled every bad project from 2011 there would only end up being "about five things left."

"Even that's a pretty generous estimate," admitted coalition spokesman and Random House CEO Markus Dohle. "I mean, there's new episodes of that show Men Of A Certain Age coming up, but does that really count as a highlight? That's pretty sad if it does, right?"

In response to the announcement, millions of Americans have already begun shifting their anticipation onto the tiny handfuls of culture they believe might stand a chance of being decent—such as Steven Spielberg's upcoming film War Horse—but people involved with these projects have attempted to deflect the public's attention.

"Let's not invest too much hope in my movie here, because it's really not that great," Spielberg said. "It's fine, I suppose. Like, it won't be an embarrassment for me professionally or anything, but will it be some sort of 2011-salvaging masterpiece? Oh Lord, no. That would be impossible, believe me."

When asked what the American people could do to make it through the remainder of 2011, the nation's producers of culture suggested consumers avoid everything new for the next eight months and just stay inside rereading Cormac McCarthy novels and playing old Hüsker Dü records until Jan. 1. O

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