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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Pep-Rally Skit Rumored To Involve Cross-Dressing Principal

BATAVIA, NY—A skit planned for the upcoming Batavia High School's homecoming pep rally is likely to include Principal James Hoary forgoing his well-known stoic demeanor and donning women's clothing, booster club sources reported Tuesday. "[Junior] Sarah Foster said she saw a blond wig and a really big [rival high school] Caledonia cheerleader's uniform in the principal's office, which is so hilariously inconsistent with his character," said sophomore Jill Mooney. "Plus, I heard Mr. Hoary has been practicing a dance routine in the gym every night after school. I really hope it's true. It will totally be the funniest thing ever." Principal Hoary refused to comment on the cross-dressing rumors, saying only "Go Bulldogs!"

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