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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Pep-Rally Skit Rumored To Involve Cross-Dressing Principal

BATAVIA, NY—A skit planned for the upcoming Batavia High School's homecoming pep rally is likely to include Principal James Hoary forgoing his well-known stoic demeanor and donning women's clothing, booster club sources reported Tuesday. "[Junior] Sarah Foster said she saw a blond wig and a really big [rival high school] Caledonia cheerleader's uniform in the principal's office, which is so hilariously inconsistent with his character," said sophomore Jill Mooney. "Plus, I heard Mr. Hoary has been practicing a dance routine in the gym every night after school. I really hope it's true. It will totally be the funniest thing ever." Principal Hoary refused to comment on the cross-dressing rumors, saying only "Go Bulldogs!"

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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