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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Pep Talk Laced With Personal Threats

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—Matthew Luskey's pep talk to Benjamin Lambert, who has struggled emotionally since a split with former girlfriend Ashley Huza, was laced with personal threats, sources reported Monday. "If you don't stop torturing yourself, I'm going to beat the living shit out of you," Luskey told Lambert. "Either you get up off of this couch and allow the healing process to begin, or I'll open up a wound so deep, it'll leave more than just an emotional scar." Luskey added that Lambert had better restore his sense of self-worth fast, if he values his life.

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God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.

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