Pepsi to Probe Mars For Possible 16- to 23-Year-Olds

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Vol 30 Issue 02

Christ's Face Seen On Miracle Canvas

FLORENCE, ITALY—Millions flocked to a museum in Florence this week to witness an image of Christ's face suspended on an ordinary piece of canvas. "It is Him!" said Paolo Bruni, 63, a merchant from Sorrento who traveled 200 miles to the diSforzi Museum to see the vision of Christ floating in the middle of a "golden rectangle." "It is truly a miracle," he said. Despite the clear depiction of Christ, many remain unconvinced. "It is a trick of the light," said German tourist Dieter Ühler, 34. "This is, ah, how do you say, an impossibility." The discovery of the miracle canvas comes just weeks after the supposed discovery of a 9x12-inch piece of paper with some fruit on it in a French museum.

Sports De-Emphasized

WASHINGTON, DC—After occupying a pre-eminent position in American culture for more than half a century, sports was de-emphasized Sunday, returning to what one U.S. spokesperson called "a more proper perspective." Phase one of the de-emphasis begins next week, when U.S. citizens will be stripped of all pro team merchandise, including Starter-brand NFL team jackets, officially licensed replica NBA jerseys and any remaining wacky fan novelty items. "I am going to fight this, as it is my strong conviction that sports is life, and the rest is just details," said Chicago resident Brian Fordson, clutching his Tazmanian Devil-Chicago Bears beer-dispenser/ helmet. According to reports, replacing sports in national importance will be either folk dancing or the study of the pre-WWI immigrant labor movement.

Adorable Puppy Nets Owner Handjob

AUSTIN, TX—Area puppy Patches netted owner James Kearney a handjob yesterday, using his undeniable puppy adorability to attract an attractive human female on behalf of his owner. According to reports, during a routine afternoon walk, Patches, a three-month-old yellow lab, stopped and playfully lapped the heels of area resident Rachel West, 20, who within minutes converted her strong feelings of affection toward Patches into sexual attraction for his owner. Kearney strongly denied allegations that he intentionally used the dog to win sexual favors.

Governor Lashes Out Against Cheap Scotch, Poorly Rolled Cigars

MONTPELIER, VT—In an angry address before supporters, Gov. James Kingery Monday railed against what he called "cheap-ass, watered-down scotch" and "cigars so poorly rolled they fall apart when you smoke them." He also lambasted magazines with pages so glossy that they're unreadable, and his wife's inability to gyrate and speak in a sexy manner during intercourse. "I've had it," Kingery told an assembled crowd of 2,000 at the State Capitol. "And I plan to drive legislation through the State Assembly to take action on these injustices." Gov. Kingery later recanted the statements, admitting he was "coked to the gills" at the time.

Is There Life on Mars?

NASA scientists recently discovered a Martian rock that may contain the remains of ancient life, raising the distinct possibility that we are not alone in the universe. What do you think?

How to Make a Newspaper Hat

I have two things I would like to say to the youth of today. First, kiss my blue-veined hiney! You're not fit to carry my coat, you insolent little bastards. Second, here is how to make a newspaper hat. I'm only going to tell you this once, so clean the wool out of your ears and listen up.
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  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Pepsi to Probe Mars For Possible 16- to 23-Year-Olds

SOMERS, NY—Responding to the recent discovery of possible life on Mars, PepsiCo is launching an exploratory space probe to the Red Planet in search of fun-loving, 16- to 23-year-old beverage-drinking lifeforms.

The ThirstQuencher II space probe.

"A vast, untapped new consumer base awaits us in space," said Pepsi Director of Marketing John G. Cullums, whose company recently exhausted all markets on Earth. "The demographics on Mars look extremely promising."

Added Cullums: "Whatever life exists on Mars, it no doubt is thirsty. And if this life is indeed young and fun—as our initial tests indicate—it will surely settle for nothing less than a Pepsi."

The ThirstQuencher II space probe, set to launch Thursday, will collect samples from the surface of Mars, then bring them back to Earth, where Pepsi scientists will examine them for signs of coolness and youthful exuberance.

"The most critical test involves exposing the Mars samples to hard-driving alternative rock music from artists like Matthew Sweet and Soundgarden," said Pepsi astronomer Harold Iverson. "If, upon exposure, a Mars sample develops a flannel-like, plaid-patterned growth on its surface, then we can be fairly certain that the organism is young and 'radical' and, therefore, highly Pepsi-receptive."

Pepsi scientists are hopeful that the ThirstQuencher II space probe will return from Mars with evidence of the kinds of young, fun-loving, beverage-drinking lifeforms commonly found on Earth.

Despite not yet understanding the exact nature of Martian life, Pepsi is already moving ahead with a major marketing campaign for the planet. A powerful PepsiCo radio telescope will soon begin beaming at Mars the slogans, "Have fun, originate in an alien ecosystem, drink Pepsi" and "Pepsi: The Choice of a Newly Discovered Bacterial Biomass Formation."

"There's a possibility these organisms may not be familiar with the Pepsi name," said Cullums, explaining the upcoming ad blitz. "That's why it's crucial we build strong product recognition here well before we enter the market."

To create even more excitement, PepsiCo will launch a special "Absorb Pepsi Through Your Methane Gills, Get Stuff" contest.

"By absorbing Pepsi, young Martian organisms can collect points and win cool prizes," Cullums said. "Stuff like mountain bikes, hiking gear and polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbon molecules, one of the building blocks for life."

Pepsi's official Mars product launch is set for September 1, when Pepsi Red, a new version of Pepsi which has, according to publicists, "a definite Martian twist," hits the planet's stores. The product will come in a convenient .000002 micron bottle, a size that's "perfect for thirsty bacteria."

Despite all the excitement, though, Cullums is trying to maintain perspective. "We may well find that life on Mars is older and married," he said. "That would be disastrous."

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