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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.

Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound

HOUSTON—Visibly irritated with himself as he paced around the pitcher’s plate after calling for time during the fourth inning of their game against the Washington Nationals, Houston Astros manager A.J. Hinch could not remember why he came out to the mound in the first place, sources confirmed Thursday.
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Per Promoter's Request, Boxer Amends Promise Of First-Round Knockout

BERLIN—At the request of event sponsors as well as his promoter Don King, World Boxing Association heavyweight champion John Ruiz has backed off his earlier guarantee of a "lights-out, no-contest, 25-second drubbing" of challenger Nicolay Valuev in this weekend's title bout. "When I said that I would make short, uninteresting work of my opponent, I failed to take into account Valuev's 325-pound frame, his world-famous endurance, and the fact that fans are paying to see a good, clean, back-and-forth, multi-round fight during which many advertisements can be shown," Ruiz said. "I promise that, after many surprising second winds on both our parts and some shocking punches that I'll be on the giving and receiving end of, this will be a fulfilling, enjoyable battle, no matter who wins." Ruiz is expected to hold yet another press conference Friday to revise his new pledge that the "fight will continue for the duration of the 12 rounds, at which point the better man will win on points."

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