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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Per Promoter's Request, Boxer Amends Promise Of First-Round Knockout

BERLIN—At the request of event sponsors as well as his promoter Don King, World Boxing Association heavyweight champion John Ruiz has backed off his earlier guarantee of a "lights-out, no-contest, 25-second drubbing" of challenger Nicolay Valuev in this weekend's title bout. "When I said that I would make short, uninteresting work of my opponent, I failed to take into account Valuev's 325-pound frame, his world-famous endurance, and the fact that fans are paying to see a good, clean, back-and-forth, multi-round fight during which many advertisements can be shown," Ruiz said. "I promise that, after many surprising second winds on both our parts and some shocking punches that I'll be on the giving and receiving end of, this will be a fulfilling, enjoyable battle, no matter who wins." Ruiz is expected to hold yet another press conference Friday to revise his new pledge that the "fight will continue for the duration of the 12 rounds, at which point the better man will win on points."

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