Science & Technology

How Clinical Trials Work

Prescription medications undergo rigorous rounds of testing and approval before hitting the consumer market. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in this process

Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
End Of Section
  • More News

Peregrine Falcon Acting Pretty Cocky Since Being Taken Off Endangered Species List

The sonofabitch, should-have-been-left-to-die-off falcon.
The sonofabitch, should-have-been-left-to-die-off falcon.

WASHINGTON—Only a few short years after being removed from the endangered species list, the American peregrine falcon—once considered a creature of nobility and grace—has transformed into an "unappreciative jerk," wildlife experts reported Monday.

According to workers at the Peregrine Fund, a nonprofit organization dedicated to protecting falcons around the world, the predatory bird has exhibited a complete change in attitude since its resurgence. Animal advocates have reportedly observed the falcon flaunting its magnificent 3.5-foot wingspan, nesting arrogantly atop nearby cliffs, and generally acting like "king shit" wherever it goes.

"For decades, the peregrine falcon faced a very real and very serious threat," U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service deputy director Rowan Gould said. "There was a time when many of us feared we would never see this majestic creature again, when we did everything in our power to ensure that this marvel of nature would be around for generations to come."

Added Gould, "If only we'd known then what cocky little pricks they'd turn out to be."

In recent months, the peregrine falcon has continued to infuriate environmentalists by reclaiming its habitat without so much as a simple thank you, frequently and loudly mating in everyone's face, and hunting prey off the coast of Maine as though it were "master of the fucking skies."

In addition, the blue-gray member of the Falconiformes order has put off dozens of its once-ardent supporters by reportedly just sitting there like it was invincible and never once on the brink of extinction.

"How about showing a little gratitude, pal?" said Dr. Michael Halpern, a behavioral ecologist and noted naturalist. "We didn't have to save you, you know. There were plenty of other species on that list that would've loved our help. Hundreds of other species that would've damn near polished our knobs had we chosen to save them."

Despite battling back from near extinction, the peregrine falcon—known for its distinctive white markings and "pompous fat face"—is reportedly not out of danger just yet. According to Halpern, the predatory bird could still be wiped out by a number of environmental factors, including the use of agricultural pesticides, increased deforestation in rural areas, changing climates, or, perhaps, a series of well-deserved beatings to the head.

"You think you're so fucking stately, don't you?" Halpern continued. "Well, we'll see how stately you look after I put my foot up your cloaca."

Moved by the peregrine falcon's arrogant resurgence, thousands of angered wildlife advocates have been working day and night to put the flourishing species back on the endangered list. A petition to "Teach That Conceited Shit Some Manners" has reportedly garnered 30,000 signatures in less than two days, and an effort has begun to change the falcon's scientific designation from Falco peregrinus to Fatso perestupidjerk.

"Time is running out," said World Wildlife Fund director Margaret Weiss, standing before a photo of the bird, which she then spit on and angrily tore apart. "Every minute we waste is another minute the peregrine falcon thinks it's better than us! Every minute we fail to act is another minute the peregrine falcon spends strutting around like Mr. Fucking Hollywood!"

"Think about your grandchildren," Weiss added. "Do you want them to grow up in a world filled with these assholes?"

Unless its attitude changes, the peregrine falcon may soon join several other animals back on the endangered list, including a thankless species of sea turtle, and a class of dung beetle that really, really had it coming.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close