adBlockCheck

Peregrine Falcon Acting Pretty Cocky Since Being Taken Off Endangered Species List

Top Headlines

Science & Technology

Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed

Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster said Thursday they are at a loss to explain his day-to-day cheerfulness in the face of such a bleak exist...

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

Disney Begins Uploading Obama’s Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot

BAY LAKE, FL—In an effort to provide park visitors with the most true-to-life attraction possible, Walt Disney World officials announced Monday that computer technicians have begun uploading Barack Obama’s consciousness into his animatronic robot likeness at the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents exhibit.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels

LEVEL 5—A group of video game henchmen patrolling the warehouse hideout of their criminal mastermind boss informed reporters Wednesday of their upcoming plan to take a brief break from making their rounds to meet up around a stack of five highly explosive barrels.

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Peregrine Falcon Acting Pretty Cocky Since Being Taken Off Endangered Species List

The sonofabitch, should-have-been-left-to-die-off falcon.
The sonofabitch, should-have-been-left-to-die-off falcon.

WASHINGTON—Only a few short years after being removed from the endangered species list, the American peregrine falcon—once considered a creature of nobility and grace—has transformed into an "unappreciative jerk," wildlife experts reported Monday.

According to workers at the Peregrine Fund, a nonprofit organization dedicated to protecting falcons around the world, the predatory bird has exhibited a complete change in attitude since its resurgence. Animal advocates have reportedly observed the falcon flaunting its magnificent 3.5-foot wingspan, nesting arrogantly atop nearby cliffs, and generally acting like "king shit" wherever it goes.

"For decades, the peregrine falcon faced a very real and very serious threat," U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service deputy director Rowan Gould said. "There was a time when many of us feared we would never see this majestic creature again, when we did everything in our power to ensure that this marvel of nature would be around for generations to come."

Added Gould, "If only we'd known then what cocky little pricks they'd turn out to be."

In recent months, the peregrine falcon has continued to infuriate environmentalists by reclaiming its habitat without so much as a simple thank you, frequently and loudly mating in everyone's face, and hunting prey off the coast of Maine as though it were "master of the fucking skies."

In addition, the blue-gray member of the Falconiformes order has put off dozens of its once-ardent supporters by reportedly just sitting there like it was invincible and never once on the brink of extinction.

"How about showing a little gratitude, pal?" said Dr. Michael Halpern, a behavioral ecologist and noted naturalist. "We didn't have to save you, you know. There were plenty of other species on that list that would've loved our help. Hundreds of other species that would've damn near polished our knobs had we chosen to save them."

Despite battling back from near extinction, the peregrine falcon—known for its distinctive white markings and "pompous fat face"—is reportedly not out of danger just yet. According to Halpern, the predatory bird could still be wiped out by a number of environmental factors, including the use of agricultural pesticides, increased deforestation in rural areas, changing climates, or, perhaps, a series of well-deserved beatings to the head.

"You think you're so fucking stately, don't you?" Halpern continued. "Well, we'll see how stately you look after I put my foot up your cloaca."

Moved by the peregrine falcon's arrogant resurgence, thousands of angered wildlife advocates have been working day and night to put the flourishing species back on the endangered list. A petition to "Teach That Conceited Shit Some Manners" has reportedly garnered 30,000 signatures in less than two days, and an effort has begun to change the falcon's scientific designation from Falco peregrinus to Fatso perestupidjerk.

"Time is running out," said World Wildlife Fund director Margaret Weiss, standing before a photo of the bird, which she then spit on and angrily tore apart. "Every minute we waste is another minute the peregrine falcon thinks it's better than us! Every minute we fail to act is another minute the peregrine falcon spends strutting around like Mr. Fucking Hollywood!"

"Think about your grandchildren," Weiss added. "Do you want them to grow up in a world filled with these assholes?"

Unless its attitude changes, the peregrine falcon may soon join several other animals back on the endangered list, including a thankless species of sea turtle, and a class of dung beetle that really, really had it coming.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close