Perfect Attendance Credited To Abusive Household

Top Headlines

After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Perfect Attendance Credited To Abusive Household

VIROQUA, WI—The staff of Viroqua Middle School credit seventh grader Ben Lohm's perfect attendance to his family, particularly his alcoholic father and mentally unstable mother. "Ben is always the first to arrive for school and the last to leave," principal Pete Thomas said. "His grades aren't stellar, but he's in a different after-school club every day of the week, and even though he flinches a bit too much for contact sports, he makes a great batboy." Thomas added: "Lohm's parents have pounded the importance of attendance and punctuality into all seven of their children."

After Birth Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close