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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Perfect Attendance Credited To Abusive Household

VIROQUA, WI—The staff of Viroqua Middle School credit seventh grader Ben Lohm's perfect attendance to his family, particularly his alcoholic father and mentally unstable mother. "Ben is always the first to arrive for school and the last to leave," principal Pete Thomas said. "His grades aren't stellar, but he's in a different after-school club every day of the week, and even though he flinches a bit too much for contact sports, he makes a great batboy." Thomas added: "Lohm's parents have pounded the importance of attendance and punctuality into all seven of their children."

After Birth

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