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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Perfect Response To Heckler Somewhere In Prop Comedian's Trunk

CRENSHAW, OR—Requesting that the audience "give me a second," prop comedian "Gallopin'" Hal Coffey rummaged through his oversized steamer trunk for the perfect response to the heckler who was repeatedly disrupting his Monday-night performance at the Laff Cannery. "Giant pink 'porkscrew,' no. Inflatable toast, no. 'Sweetsocks'—oops," Coffey said during his frantic search, all the while encumbered by the sizable stuffed pony fastened about his midsection. "What the hell? Oh, yeah, my 'moosetard.' That won't work. Damn it." Onlookers later expressed confusion at Coffey's eventual choice of retort, in which he brandished two cans of Spam attached by a Slinky, and said to the heckler, "This is you."

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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