adBlockCheck

Recent News

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Perfect Soup Weather Coming

Forecasters say the nation could be hit by one of the most ideal chowder-eating spells in years.
Forecasters say the nation could be hit by one of the most ideal chowder-eating spells in years.

SILVER SPRING, MD—Meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Monday that Americans should begin preparing for perfect soup weather, which will hit many parts of the country as early as midweek.

By Wednesday morning, much of the U.S. should begin seeing heavy soup weather suitable for unseasonably large portions of soup. Additionally, parts of the Northeast could see overnight temperatures drop to lows ideal for thick bisques or hearty stews.

"There are already severe soup weather patterns developing over the entire northern part of the United States," NWS official David Reyes said while standing in front of a digital map of the U.S. emblazoned with soup-bowl icons. "A high pressure system coming down from Canada will bring low temperatures; light, fluffy snow; and bright sunshine perfect for curling up in front of a fire with a robust potato-leek chowder."

"The latest meteorological data suggest that we should be prepared for more than just mugs or cups of soup," Reyes continued. "We are looking at a weather system consistent with huge, brimming bowls of piping-hot soup that will really hit the spot."

According to meteorologists, the heavy soup front will hit hardest around lunch and dinnertime.

Reyes added that the NWS was deeming it "highly advisable" to use oyster crackers whenever possible.

According to forecasters, this could be the best soup weather since the NWS started keeping records in 1909, a year in which giant pots of spicy crawdad gumbo were seen as far north as Pennsylvania. In response, health professionals have set out important wellness guidelines. Dr. Linda Naik, a spokesperson for the Department of Health and Human Services, said that people in affected regions should ready themselves for snuggling into the warm, woolen collars of their cable knit sweaters and throw on an old black-and-white movie before digging into steaming bowls of soup at least as thick and rich as a tomato broth.

"Exposure to these conditions can quickly result in rosy cheeks and a case of the shivers," Naik said. "After an extended periods of tobogganing and snowball fights, you will likely feel chilled to an extent not remediable by simple hot cocoa. So it is vital that you have the necessary fresh ingredients on hand for plenty of beef barley, clam chowder, and buttery split-pea soup."

"Mmmm!" Naik added.

Naik directed citizens to the HHS website for tips on closing one's eyes, smiling, and inhaling deeply through one's nose over a hot bowl of soup, as well as for recipes recommended for children and the elderly, who are particularly susceptible to enjoying perfect soup weather.

In the wake of today's forecast, Americans seem to be taking no chances. Reports have come in from across the country of stores being completely sold out of ladles and Crock-Pots in anticipation of the looming conditions.

Still, though meteorologists are predicting once-in-a-lifetime soup conditions, some citizens remain skeptical, claiming the situation has been blown far out of proportion.

"This happens every year," Lancaster, PA contractor Dale Reardon said. "They say we're going to get the best soup weather in 50 years and everyone gets out their bowls and spoons and cooks all day long for nothing."

Added Reardon, "Just watch; we'll be lucky if we get even a miso cold snap."

More from this section

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close