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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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Perfecting Your Revenge Plot

There are times when you have exercised all other options to resolve a difference, and vengeance is your sole remaining alternative. Here are some ways to ensure your revenge plot goes off without a hitch:

  • Remember, the most important factor in a revenge plot is the slow reveal, in which your target gradually realizes you were behind everything, even the part where their dry-cleaning got lost.
  • You don’t want some meddling do-gooder spilling the beans about the operation, so involve as few people as possible and consider changing your Facebook status from “Seeking revenge” to “Not seeking revenge.”
  • If anyone asks why you're carrying around chalk, a box of laxatives, and some rope, saying it's related to an eating disorder should shut them up right quick.
  • Pay a little more for a superior fog machine.
  • If your revenge plot involves deploying robots, make sure your enemy is not also a robot, or they may become friends.
  • Practice your plot several times on family members to be certain it will have all the desired ill effects.
  • Always double-check to make sure you're getting the right guy. The last thing you want is a repeat of last time, when that innocent guy's wife just cried and cried no matter how many times you said it was a mistake.

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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