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Perfecting Your Revenge Plot

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PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

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SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

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Perfecting Your Revenge Plot

There are times when you have exercised all other options to resolve a difference, and vengeance is your sole remaining alternative. Here are some ways to ensure your revenge plot goes off without a hitch:

  • Remember, the most important factor in a revenge plot is the slow reveal, in which your target gradually realizes you were behind everything, even the part where their dry-cleaning got lost.
  • You don’t want some meddling do-gooder spilling the beans about the operation, so involve as few people as possible and consider changing your Facebook status from “Seeking revenge” to “Not seeking revenge.”
  • If anyone asks why you're carrying around chalk, a box of laxatives, and some rope, saying it's related to an eating disorder should shut them up right quick.
  • Pay a little more for a superior fog machine.
  • If your revenge plot involves deploying robots, make sure your enemy is not also a robot, or they may become friends.
  • Practice your plot several times on family members to be certain it will have all the desired ill effects.
  • Always double-check to make sure you're getting the right guy. The last thing you want is a repeat of last time, when that innocent guy's wife just cried and cried no matter how many times you said it was a mistake.

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