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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Perfecting Your Revenge Plot

There are times when you have exercised all other options to resolve a difference, and vengeance is your sole remaining alternative. Here are some ways to ensure your revenge plot goes off without a hitch:

  • Remember, the most important factor in a revenge plot is the slow reveal, in which your target gradually realizes you were behind everything, even the part where their dry-cleaning got lost.
  • You don’t want some meddling do-gooder spilling the beans about the operation, so involve as few people as possible and consider changing your Facebook status from “Seeking revenge” to “Not seeking revenge.”
  • If anyone asks why you're carrying around chalk, a box of laxatives, and some rope, saying it's related to an eating disorder should shut them up right quick.
  • Pay a little more for a superior fog machine.
  • If your revenge plot involves deploying robots, make sure your enemy is not also a robot, or they may become friends.
  • Practice your plot several times on family members to be certain it will have all the desired ill effects.
  • Always double-check to make sure you're getting the right guy. The last thing you want is a repeat of last time, when that innocent guy's wife just cried and cried no matter how many times you said it was a mistake.

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