adBlockCheck

Performance Artist Shocks U.S. Out Of Apathetic Stupor

Top Headlines

Politics

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.

FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.

The Pros And Cons Of Voter ID Laws

Many states are pushing for stricter voter identification policies at the polls, while critics argue such requirements are unconstitutional and used as a means of voter suppression. Here are some pros and cons of voter ID laws.

Shimmering Immaculate Republican Candidate Appears Before GOP Officials

‘It’s Him,’ Stunned Conservative Leaders Mutter

WASHINGTON—Explaining how they froze in place and stared up at the miraculous vision in rapt wonder, members of the Republican Party leadership reported that the shimmering image of an immaculate, ideal GOP presidential candidate appeared before them for a brief moment Friday and hovered in front of the party’s headquarters in Washington.

Trump Catches Self Briefly Believing Own Campaign Rhetoric

‘Whoa, That Was Scary For A Second There,’ Says Candidate

BETHPAGE, NY—Admitting that he was overcome with terror after realizing what he had done, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told reporters he caught himself briefly believing his own campaign rhetoric during a rally Wednesday night.

Cow Ted Cruz Milking In Wisconsin Photo Op Only Giving Curdled, Foul Liquid

ALMA, WI—Saying the putrid stench of rancid dairy had caused numerous onlookers to gag and rush out of the barn, sources at Noll’s Family Farm confirmed Monday that only a thin stream of curdled, spoiled liquid was emerging from the cow that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz was attempting to milk during a campaign photo op.

How A Contested Convention Would Work

With the Republican Party potentially headed to its convention without a clear-cut presidential nominee, The Onion answers common questions about how a contested convention would work.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Performance Artist Shocks U.S. Out Of Apathetic Stupor

SAN FRANCISCO–The American consumer populace, long decried by members of the artistic and academic avant-garde as "TV Guide-swilling philistines," was shocked out of its complacency and stupidity Monday by Bay Area performance artist Ivan Hubiak.

Hubiak delivers an unignorable wake-up call to a sleeping nation.

Hubiak, 23, renowned within performance-art circles for his provocative juxtaposition of political iconography, nudity, and meat, finally achieved his oft-stated goal–"rousing America out of its onanistic slumber with a devastating attack on its received notions of patriotism and the human body in a voice that speaks not only of an emergent post-structuralist discourse, but also of blind, animal rage"--at approximately 10 p.m., with the conclusion of his nine-hour piece "Flag Fuck (w/ Beef) #17B."

Performed at the famed Mission District hipster enclave Lost Freak In The Streets coffeehouse cooperative, "Flag Fuck (w/ Beef) #17B" was described by witnesses as "too jarring, too confrontational, too all-consumingly intense" for the American people to ignore.

"Before last night's epoch-shattering wake-up call, I used to think there was nothing more to life than purchasing obscenely oversized Sony televisions at Best Buy, the better to lap up focus-grouped corporate pablum as I willingly anesthetized my social conscience with reprehensible pap," said Olathe, KS, resident Bob Turley, one the formerly mindless millions whose world will never be the same in the wake of Hubiak's devastating social critique. "Thanks to Ivan, I now know that I was more sheep than man."

Critics and audiences alike point to the "taboo" nature of Hubiak's disturbing work as the primary source of its power to transform the nation.

"At first, I couldn't believe it. After all, the U.S. flag is one of our nation's most sacrosanct symbols, and the thought that anyone would go so far as to show it disrespect, especially within the context of an artistic statement in a public forum, was just too shocking for words," said 29-year-old Wheeling, WV, dental hygienist and mother of three Darla McAllen, who learned of Hubiak's transgressive, assumption-challenging performance during a long-distance phone call from her sister Gladys. "But then I realized that only by shocking his audience to its very core could Hubiak pull it, and the rest of the country, back from the precipice, rescuing us all from the repellent cultural void that has ensnared us since birth."

Scenes from "Flag Fuck (w/ Beef) #17B."

According to Hubiak devotees, who as of press time represent an estimated 97 percent of the U.S. population, the performance artist's work "makes you think." This is because, admirers say, though "Flag Fuck (w/ Beef) #17B" initially seems offensive, viewers eventually realize that it is actually society itself, not the piece, that is offensive.

"Sure, some may call it obscene, but you want to know what's really obscene?" asked Batesburg, SC, screen-door-factory worker Bud Combs, 37. "Our capitalistic monoculture's hellishly empty hegemony. That's what's obscene."

"To say nothing of our own passive complicity in its repressive materialistic agenda," Combs added.

The impact of Hubiak's performance is visible across the nation: Since Monday, there have been widespread reports of mass non-conformity from coast to coast, including outbreaks of armed political uprisings against the nation's "haves" by its "have-nots," newly formed grass-roots vegetarianist nutrition-reform movements, and a surge in support for local music scenes and listener-supported community radio.

"Ivan Hubiak cut to the necrotic core of our culture and cut out its malignant heart with one devastating act of defiance," said Sparks, NV, janitorial-supply wholesaler Carl H. Wendt. "It certainly was a courageous act on his part, especially considering how emotionally draining, how psychically injurious this high-wire performance was. All I can say is, thank God he pulled it off."

For stirring society from its somnambulant, lobotomized daze, Hubiak has been awarded the National Medal Of Honor. Sources close to the artist say he plans to defecate on the medal as part of an ongoing work-in-progress that remains untitled.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close