Performance Artist Shocks U.S. Out Of Apathetic Stupor

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Vol 36 Issue 33

Slow-Motion Woman Emerges Glistening From Pool

LOS ANGELES–An unidentified woman in her early 20s emerged from a large, backlit swimming pool at approximately one-third normal speed Monday. According to witnesses, the woman, accompanied by sultry saxophone music, began emerging from the pool at sunset with incandescent pool lights highlighting the droplets of water running down her lithe frame. Upon exiting, the woman reportedly closed her eyes and slowly leaned her head back in preparation for toweling-off procedures.

Everything You Worked So Hard For Lying in Splinters At Your Feet

DURHAM, NC–According to a Duke University report released Monday, all of your hopes and dreams are no more than splinters at your feet, swept away by the uncaring wind. "All that you labored to make a reality, all that you saved and sacrificed for, these are but ashes and dust," said Duke sociologist Dr. Edgar Pratt following the collapse. "Not even history will remember these toils and endeavors, for the world never knew nor cared to know of the struggle behind them."

New Hyundai Owner Sort Of Brags About it To Co-Workers

LODI, OH–Days after buying a brand-new 2001 Hyundai Excel, accountant Dale Grich kind of half-lorded the acquisition over his moderately impressed coworkers Monday. "If we're going to Chi-Chi's, I can fit three of us," said Grich during discussion of a lunch outing. "Got the new Hyundai and all." Upon laying eyes upon the reliable, sensibly priced vehicle, co-worker Al Arnot emitted a low, descending whistle to indicate his being semi-wowed.

William Safire Orders Two Whoppers Junior

NEW YORK–Stopping for lunch at a Manhattan Burger King, New York Times 'On Language' columnist William Safire ordered two "Whoppers Junior" Monday. "A majority of Burger King patrons operate under the fallacious assumption that the plural is 'Whopper Juniors,'" Safire told a woman standing in line behind him. "This, of course, is a grievous grammatical blunder, akin to saying 'passerbys' or, worse yet, the dreaded 'attorney generals.'" Last week, Safire patronized a midtown Taco Bell, ordering "two Big Beef Burritos Supreme."

Media Suffering Through Record Normal Temperatures

KNOXVILLE, TN–Across the U.S., the news media are coping with another week of cripplingly typical temperatures. "It's awful," said Jim Moore, editor of The Knoxville News-Sentinel. "We'd love to run a good lead like 'Dozens Dead In Brutal Heat Wave,' but the temperatures have left us with nothing." Tom Pierre, news director of Fox affiliate KABB-TV in San Antonio, was equally distraught. "Yesterday, it was a pleasant 73 degrees," Pierre said. "How is a 92-year-old widow supposed to tragically perish in an unventilated tenement apartment with weather like that?"

I'm Pretty Sure I'm Not The Fishing-Tackle Serial Killer

Well, I see by the TV that the Fishing-Tackle Serial Killer has struck again. Apparently, this time, he used a spin-casting technique to lay a treble-hook muskie lure right across the path of Brent Parks, a waterskiing tourist from down Illinois way. Ripped the poor feller's throat right open, they say, before the 50-pound test line drug him under. Funny thing is, they found Parks less than a half mile from my shack on Fence Lake, just like all the others. I say it's almost certainly a coincidence, though: I'm almost positive I'm not the Fishing-Tackle Serial Killer.

Bobby Knight Through The Years

Fired Sept. 10, Bobby Knight has been involved in his share of incidents during his 30 years as Indiana University basketball coach. Among the highlights:

Washington vs. Hollywood

In recent weeks, both George W. Bush and Al Gore have stepped up their attacks against the entertainment industry for marketing violent and sexual content to young people. What do you think?

My Moroccan Neighbors Won't Stop Their Damn Ululating

Well, there goes the neighborhood. Last week, the moving van pulls up to the Petersens' old house and--yup, you guessed it--a bunch of Moroccans move in. I haven't even met the Aatabous yet, but already I can't stand them: All night long, they won't stop with their damn ululating!
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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Performance Artist Shocks U.S. Out Of Apathetic Stupor

SAN FRANCISCO–The American consumer populace, long decried by members of the artistic and academic avant-garde as "TV Guide-swilling philistines," was shocked out of its complacency and stupidity Monday by Bay Area performance artist Ivan Hubiak.

Hubiak delivers an unignorable wake-up call to a sleeping nation.

Hubiak, 23, renowned within performance-art circles for his provocative juxtaposition of political iconography, nudity, and meat, finally achieved his oft-stated goal–"rousing America out of its onanistic slumber with a devastating attack on its received notions of patriotism and the human body in a voice that speaks not only of an emergent post-structuralist discourse, but also of blind, animal rage"--at approximately 10 p.m., with the conclusion of his nine-hour piece "Flag Fuck (w/ Beef) #17B."

Performed at the famed Mission District hipster enclave Lost Freak In The Streets coffeehouse cooperative, "Flag Fuck (w/ Beef) #17B" was described by witnesses as "too jarring, too confrontational, too all-consumingly intense" for the American people to ignore.

"Before last night's epoch-shattering wake-up call, I used to think there was nothing more to life than purchasing obscenely oversized Sony televisions at Best Buy, the better to lap up focus-grouped corporate pablum as I willingly anesthetized my social conscience with reprehensible pap," said Olathe, KS, resident Bob Turley, one the formerly mindless millions whose world will never be the same in the wake of Hubiak's devastating social critique. "Thanks to Ivan, I now know that I was more sheep than man."

Critics and audiences alike point to the "taboo" nature of Hubiak's disturbing work as the primary source of its power to transform the nation.

"At first, I couldn't believe it. After all, the U.S. flag is one of our nation's most sacrosanct symbols, and the thought that anyone would go so far as to show it disrespect, especially within the context of an artistic statement in a public forum, was just too shocking for words," said 29-year-old Wheeling, WV, dental hygienist and mother of three Darla McAllen, who learned of Hubiak's transgressive, assumption-challenging performance during a long-distance phone call from her sister Gladys. "But then I realized that only by shocking his audience to its very core could Hubiak pull it, and the rest of the country, back from the precipice, rescuing us all from the repellent cultural void that has ensnared us since birth."

Scenes from "Flag Fuck (w/ Beef) #17B."

According to Hubiak devotees, who as of press time represent an estimated 97 percent of the U.S. population, the performance artist's work "makes you think." This is because, admirers say, though "Flag Fuck (w/ Beef) #17B" initially seems offensive, viewers eventually realize that it is actually society itself, not the piece, that is offensive.

"Sure, some may call it obscene, but you want to know what's really obscene?" asked Batesburg, SC, screen-door-factory worker Bud Combs, 37. "Our capitalistic monoculture's hellishly empty hegemony. That's what's obscene."

"To say nothing of our own passive complicity in its repressive materialistic agenda," Combs added.

The impact of Hubiak's performance is visible across the nation: Since Monday, there have been widespread reports of mass non-conformity from coast to coast, including outbreaks of armed political uprisings against the nation's "haves" by its "have-nots," newly formed grass-roots vegetarianist nutrition-reform movements, and a surge in support for local music scenes and listener-supported community radio.

"Ivan Hubiak cut to the necrotic core of our culture and cut out its malignant heart with one devastating act of defiance," said Sparks, NV, janitorial-supply wholesaler Carl H. Wendt. "It certainly was a courageous act on his part, especially considering how emotionally draining, how psychically injurious this high-wire performance was. All I can say is, thank God he pulled it off."

For stirring society from its somnambulant, lobotomized daze, Hubiak has been awarded the National Medal Of Honor. Sources close to the artist say he plans to defecate on the medal as part of an ongoing work-in-progress that remains untitled.

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