Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Period Of Time In Which Parents Proud Of How Much Child Can Eat Quickly Dwindling

TOLEDO, OH—The end looming closer and closer with each additional meal, the period of time in which local parents Mark and Yasmin Miller could be proud of how much their child can eat was quickly dwindling, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Wow, what a good eater!” said father Mark Miller on what was one of the few remaining occasions to feel a sense of accomplishment in the fact that his son consumed everything on his plate and to vocally praise him for eating all he was served. “You ate it all so quickly! And you even had seconds—great job, buddy!” At press time, the child’s parents remained silent after he dutifully finished his supper, and the boy was agonizing over how he had somehow let them down.

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