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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Period Of Time In Which Parents Proud Of How Much Child Can Eat Quickly Dwindling

TOLEDO, OH—The end looming closer and closer with each additional meal, the period of time in which local parents Mark and Yasmin Miller could be proud of how much their child can eat was quickly dwindling, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Wow, what a good eater!” said father Mark Miller on what was one of the few remaining occasions to feel a sense of accomplishment in the fact that his son consumed everything on his plate and to vocally praise him for eating all he was served. “You ate it all so quickly! And you even had seconds—great job, buddy!” At press time, the child’s parents remained silent after he dutifully finished his supper, and the boy was agonizing over how he had somehow let them down.

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