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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Period Of Time In Which Parents Proud Of How Much Child Can Eat Quickly Dwindling

TOLEDO, OH—The end looming closer and closer with each additional meal, the period of time in which local parents Mark and Yasmin Miller could be proud of how much their child can eat was quickly dwindling, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Wow, what a good eater!” said father Mark Miller on what was one of the few remaining occasions to feel a sense of accomplishment in the fact that his son consumed everything on his plate and to vocally praise him for eating all he was served. “You ate it all so quickly! And you even had seconds—great job, buddy!” At press time, the child’s parents remained silent after he dutifully finished his supper, and the boy was agonizing over how he had somehow let them down.

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