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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Peripheral Acquaintance Casually Mentions She Was Molested

HUNTINGTON BEACH, CA—Area resident Doug Spengler was taken aback Friday when acquaintance and fellow partygoer Dianne Liston casually mentioned to him that she was sexually molested as a child. "Most Saturday nights, I'd rather curl up with a good book than go on a date," Liston told Spengler, with whom she has spoken only twice before. "Maybe that's because my dad did some
really bad things to me when I was young that sort of ruined sex and dating for me. But whatever the reason, I just really enjoy spending quality time alone. So, what do you do for fun?" Spengler responded by telling Liston about his love of fishing, opting not to mention his brother's 1985 suicide.

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