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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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Peripheral Acquaintance Casually Mentions She Was Molested

HUNTINGTON BEACH, CA—Area resident Doug Spengler was taken aback Friday when acquaintance and fellow partygoer Dianne Liston casually mentioned to him that she was sexually molested as a child. "Most Saturday nights, I'd rather curl up with a good book than go on a date," Liston told Spengler, with whom she has spoken only twice before. "Maybe that's because my dad did some
really bad things to me when I was young that sort of ruined sex and dating for me. But whatever the reason, I just really enjoy spending quality time alone. So, what do you do for fun?" Spengler responded by telling Liston about his love of fishing, opting not to mention his brother's 1985 suicide.

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