adBlockCheck

Politics

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
End Of Section
  • More News

Perot, Forbes Join Forces to Form Crazy Rich Bastards Party

American voters were given a third political option yesterday when Texas billionaire H. Ross Perot and multi-millionaire publishing magnate/heir Steve Forbes announced that they have joined forces to form the Crazy Rich Bastards Party.

With yesterday's announcement, the era of U.S. two-party politics came to an end. Said Perot: "I have a billion goddamn dollars, just like a lot of other presidents did. All the good ones had about sixty-leven billion goddamn clams."

The alliance, which had been in the works since the start of the 1996 presidential race, was finalized at a recent meeting in which the two candidates reached a consensus regarding policy.

"We are unbelievably rich," said Perot, speaking from Crazy Rich Bastards Party headquarters in the penthouse suite of New York City's Plaza Hotel. "And I don't think anyone would dare deny that we are both full-blown batshit loonballs."

Added Forbes: "My dad used to take balloon rides with Liz Taylor."

The marriage of political ambition and wealth is a longstanding American tradition, one with which both candidates are intimately familiar.

"I have a billion goddamn dollars, just like a lot of other Presidents did," Perot said from behind his desk of fine Italianate marble. "All the good ones had about sixty-leven billion goddamn clams."

"John Kennedy's dad was a self-made billionaire," said Forbes from his hiding place beneath Perot's chair. "And so was mine."

Many Americans have already thrown their lot in with Perot and Forbes, most notably Amway salesmen, exiled European royalty and those with a history of mental instability. Still, political pundits were quick to point out that the ability to amass a large personal fortune was not necessarily indicative of political prowess.

"Hell, yes, I'm rich," said Perot, resplendent in a Dallas Cowboys football helmet and a sequined designer wedding dress as he walked his miniature poodles about the floor of Party headquarters. "And Reagan was a movie actor. But what we both got is insanity. Shoot! Heck-fire! Also, I am one folksy fellow!"

"I have some remarkably non-lucid theories on welfare reform," said Forbes, spastically waving a feces-besmeared pad of legal paper. "I have written them here in a code of my own devising which you are far too poor to decipher."

The Crazy Rich Bastards Party platform, although still in the planning stages, seems to center on economic reform and the addressing of certain domestic issues.

"I want an old-fashioned brass diving helmet," Perot said. "And I will wear it while balancing this nation's checkbook. Also, I'm gonna get that state that keeps short-sheeting the national bed and teach him that he can't mess with the America people!"

"My dad had a lot of motorcycles," Forbes added. "I am the Forbes."

Though it is too early to predict the new party's impact on the November election, some Dole supporters are already showing interest.

"I am rather obscenely rich," said James Havisham-Smythe, a Boston shipping magnate. "And I am also addicted to the tincture of laudanum. Perot and Forbes are just what people like me have been looking for. They will make the leprechauns stop yammering and take care of the bugs bugs bugs bugs bugs bugs."

Both Crazy Rich Bastards Party leaders are confident that the future ultimately belongs to them.

"America needs H. Ross Perot and his lucky can of soup," Perot said. "They'll come around, just as sure as I'm nailing shingles to my back."

"America," Forbes added, his mouth bleeding from gnawing on the banister. "Can of mustard."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close