Perot, Forbes Join Forces to Form Crazy Rich Bastards Party

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Vol 30 Issue 05

Instant Gratification Sped Up

WASHINGTON, DC—Bowing to the demands of the American people, U.S. officials sped up instant gratification yesterday, making wish fulfillment more immediate than ever before. "Although gratification has been instant ever since the early '70s in this country," said William Lawson, chair of the National Gratification Investigatory Committee, "many Americans were still complaining it just wasn't fast enough." According to Lawson, from now on, gratification will actually be faster than instantaneous, occuring some .002 milliseconds before desire is even felt.

Film To Be Made Into John Grisham

OXFORD, MS—According to entertainment industry insiders, Columbia Pictures' 1995 courtroom thriller, The Witness, will soon be made into noted fiction writer John Grisham. The story of a blind boy who hears a racially charged murder take place in a Washington, DC coffee shop, The Witness will become a six-foot-one, 190-pound, best-selling lawyer-turned-author with a penchant for writing gripping page-turners set in the legal world. "We believe this recent box-office smash will make a great Oxford, Mississippi-based author," said David Rudner, Columbia Pictures' spokesperson. "The gripping dialogue and nail-biting trial scenes should have people who meet Grisham on the edge of their seats." The Witness: The Human Being is due out in July of '97.

Area Panties In A Bunch

CROSS PLAINS, GA—According to police, a pair of area panties was discovered yesterday all wound up in a bunch and badly in need of some loosening. "Whoever owned these panties," Cross Plains Police Chief Jonathan Norcross said, "obviously needed to relax. Failure to chill out is the number one reason so many panties get bunched in this country each year." Though the panties investigation is still pending, Norcross denied rumors of a connection between yesterday's incident and a pair of Atlanta-area undies discovered last Sunday in a bundle.

Jews To Celebrate Rosh Hashasha Or Something

JERUSALEM—Jews the world over are preparing to celebrate Rosh Hashanukah or something this weekend, the traditional Jewish holiday marking some sort of rebirth and new beginning, or maybe the Jews' liberation from some foreign ruler 55,000 years ago. "Rash Kishansha is a very holy time for the Jewish people," said Paul Castellano, a guy from Houston whose gastroenterologist is Jewish. "I think Dr. Futterman said it's the holiday where they light that chandelier and blow that horn." Lasting 12 days, Ran Hosea is followed by Yor Kiplach, the Festival of Sand, during which no buttered bread may be eaten in remembrance of the flooding of the ancient Temple of Hosea.

Nike to Cease Manufacturing Products

BEAVERTON, OR—Citing creative confinement and a desire to focus exclusively on what it does best, the Nike Corporation announced Monday it will cease manufacturing athletic shoes and other sports-related merchandise in order to devote itself fully to the creation of state-of-the-art television advertisements.

Local Teen Slated to Masturbate Furiously

SALEM, IN—In a move designed to relieve several years of pent-up sexual frustration, area teen Jeremy Royce is slated for fever-pitched, white-hot masturbation later this evening.

MTV Launches 'Rock the Census' Campaign

NEW YORK—With four years to go before 2000, MTV is already launching a campaign designed to ensure widespread Generation X participation in the decennial national census survey.

Philip Morris Under Fire

With statistics showing teen smoking greatly on the rise, the federal government is taking aim at tobacco companies, proposing legislation limiting them to text-only ads in youth-oriented publications and banning cigarette billboards near public schools. What do you think?
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Perot, Forbes Join Forces to Form Crazy Rich Bastards Party

American voters were given a third political option yesterday when Texas billionaire H. Ross Perot and multi-millionaire publishing magnate/heir Steve Forbes announced that they have joined forces to form the Crazy Rich Bastards Party.

With yesterday's announcement, the era of U.S. two-party politics came to an end. Said Perot: "I have a billion goddamn dollars, just like a lot of other presidents did. All the good ones had about sixty-leven billion goddamn clams."

The alliance, which had been in the works since the start of the 1996 presidential race, was finalized at a recent meeting in which the two candidates reached a consensus regarding policy.

"We are unbelievably rich," said Perot, speaking from Crazy Rich Bastards Party headquarters in the penthouse suite of New York City's Plaza Hotel. "And I don't think anyone would dare deny that we are both full-blown batshit loonballs."

Added Forbes: "My dad used to take balloon rides with Liz Taylor."

The marriage of political ambition and wealth is a longstanding American tradition, one with which both candidates are intimately familiar.

"I have a billion goddamn dollars, just like a lot of other Presidents did," Perot said from behind his desk of fine Italianate marble. "All the good ones had about sixty-leven billion goddamn clams."

"John Kennedy's dad was a self-made billionaire," said Forbes from his hiding place beneath Perot's chair. "And so was mine."

Many Americans have already thrown their lot in with Perot and Forbes, most notably Amway salesmen, exiled European royalty and those with a history of mental instability. Still, political pundits were quick to point out that the ability to amass a large personal fortune was not necessarily indicative of political prowess.

"Hell, yes, I'm rich," said Perot, resplendent in a Dallas Cowboys football helmet and a sequined designer wedding dress as he walked his miniature poodles about the floor of Party headquarters. "And Reagan was a movie actor. But what we both got is insanity. Shoot! Heck-fire! Also, I am one folksy fellow!"

"I have some remarkably non-lucid theories on welfare reform," said Forbes, spastically waving a feces-besmeared pad of legal paper. "I have written them here in a code of my own devising which you are far too poor to decipher."

The Crazy Rich Bastards Party platform, although still in the planning stages, seems to center on economic reform and the addressing of certain domestic issues.

"I want an old-fashioned brass diving helmet," Perot said. "And I will wear it while balancing this nation's checkbook. Also, I'm gonna get that state that keeps short-sheeting the national bed and teach him that he can't mess with the America people!"

"My dad had a lot of motorcycles," Forbes added. "I am the Forbes."

Though it is too early to predict the new party's impact on the November election, some Dole supporters are already showing interest.

"I am rather obscenely rich," said James Havisham-Smythe, a Boston shipping magnate. "And I am also addicted to the tincture of laudanum. Perot and Forbes are just what people like me have been looking for. They will make the leprechauns stop yammering and take care of the bugs bugs bugs bugs bugs bugs."

Both Crazy Rich Bastards Party leaders are confident that the future ultimately belongs to them.

"America needs H. Ross Perot and his lucky can of soup," Perot said. "They'll come around, just as sure as I'm nailing shingles to my back."

"America," Forbes added, his mouth bleeding from gnawing on the banister. "Can of mustard."

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