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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

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Trump Gives Intelligence Agencies Their Daily Briefing

NEW YORK—Sitting down with top officials from the CIA, FBI, and Defense Intelligence Agency in a Trump Tower conference room, President-elect Donald Trump reportedly gave U.S. intelligence agencies their daily briefing Tuesday morning.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Perot, Forbes Join Forces to Form Crazy Rich Bastards Party

American voters were given a third political option yesterday when Texas billionaire H. Ross Perot and multi-millionaire publishing magnate/heir Steve Forbes announced that they have joined forces to form the Crazy Rich Bastards Party.

With yesterday's announcement, the era of U.S. two-party politics came to an end. Said Perot: "I have a billion goddamn dollars, just like a lot of other presidents did. All the good ones had about sixty-leven billion goddamn clams."

The alliance, which had been in the works since the start of the 1996 presidential race, was finalized at a recent meeting in which the two candidates reached a consensus regarding policy.

"We are unbelievably rich," said Perot, speaking from Crazy Rich Bastards Party headquarters in the penthouse suite of New York City's Plaza Hotel. "And I don't think anyone would dare deny that we are both full-blown batshit loonballs."

Added Forbes: "My dad used to take balloon rides with Liz Taylor."

The marriage of political ambition and wealth is a longstanding American tradition, one with which both candidates are intimately familiar.

"I have a billion goddamn dollars, just like a lot of other Presidents did," Perot said from behind his desk of fine Italianate marble. "All the good ones had about sixty-leven billion goddamn clams."

"John Kennedy's dad was a self-made billionaire," said Forbes from his hiding place beneath Perot's chair. "And so was mine."

Many Americans have already thrown their lot in with Perot and Forbes, most notably Amway salesmen, exiled European royalty and those with a history of mental instability. Still, political pundits were quick to point out that the ability to amass a large personal fortune was not necessarily indicative of political prowess.

"Hell, yes, I'm rich," said Perot, resplendent in a Dallas Cowboys football helmet and a sequined designer wedding dress as he walked his miniature poodles about the floor of Party headquarters. "And Reagan was a movie actor. But what we both got is insanity. Shoot! Heck-fire! Also, I am one folksy fellow!"

"I have some remarkably non-lucid theories on welfare reform," said Forbes, spastically waving a feces-besmeared pad of legal paper. "I have written them here in a code of my own devising which you are far too poor to decipher."

The Crazy Rich Bastards Party platform, although still in the planning stages, seems to center on economic reform and the addressing of certain domestic issues.

"I want an old-fashioned brass diving helmet," Perot said. "And I will wear it while balancing this nation's checkbook. Also, I'm gonna get that state that keeps short-sheeting the national bed and teach him that he can't mess with the America people!"

"My dad had a lot of motorcycles," Forbes added. "I am the Forbes."

Though it is too early to predict the new party's impact on the November election, some Dole supporters are already showing interest.

"I am rather obscenely rich," said James Havisham-Smythe, a Boston shipping magnate. "And I am also addicted to the tincture of laudanum. Perot and Forbes are just what people like me have been looking for. They will make the leprechauns stop yammering and take care of the bugs bugs bugs bugs bugs bugs."

Both Crazy Rich Bastards Party leaders are confident that the future ultimately belongs to them.

"America needs H. Ross Perot and his lucky can of soup," Perot said. "They'll come around, just as sure as I'm nailing shingles to my back."

"America," Forbes added, his mouth bleeding from gnawing on the banister. "Can of mustard."

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