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Person One Season Ahead In TV Show Doling Out Counsel Like Wise Elder

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Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Person One Season Ahead In TV Show Doling Out Counsel Like Wise Elder

PAWTUCKET, RI—Adopting the sagely demeanor of an all-knowing oracle, local man Jacob Rivard, 29, who is a season ahead of friends in his viewing of the television series Breaking Bad, is reportedly conferring advice about the show as if it were the sacred wisdom of ages. “Oh, you’re not to that part yet?” the august and enlightened elder said Monday, casting his clairvoyant eye to the future and cryptically alluding to what wonders lie there. “Well, just wait for the season-four finale. You have no idea. Everything is about to change, and Walt’s character will—no, I’m not going to say any more. You have to see it for yourself.” Sources indicated the learned man then grew reticent, responding to every question with an enigmatic smile and the words “You’ll find out soon enough.”

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