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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Person Sitting In Parked Car At 2:00 A.M. Probably Upstanding Member Of Community

SUDBURY, MA—Sources confirmed Monday that the man seen parked on a residential street at 2:00 a.m. in a ’93 Ford Lightning last night is, in all likelihood, a morally upright citizen with nothing but the most virtuous intentions. “He’s just been sitting there in the dark for the past thirty minutes in a car I’ve never seen around here before, so there’s no question in my mind that whatever he’s up to here, it’s totally ethical and legal,” Massachusetts native Samuel Brand said, adding that nothing about the man’s idling on a corner well after midnight seemed at all menacing or out of the ordinary. “Based on the fact that his car is in need of repairs and he doesn’t seem to have any reason to be here, it seems like this guy is just some law-abiding citizen looking to visit a friend or something. There certainly isn’t anything about this situation that I could call suspicious.” At press time, the man had abruptly revved his car’s engine and driven away for what sources speculate are entirely innocent reasons.

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