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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Person Sitting In Parked Car At 2:00 A.M. Probably Upstanding Member Of Community

SUDBURY, MA—Sources confirmed Monday that the man seen parked on a residential street at 2:00 a.m. in a ’93 Ford Lightning last night is, in all likelihood, a morally upright citizen with nothing but the most virtuous intentions. “He’s just been sitting there in the dark for the past thirty minutes in a car I’ve never seen around here before, so there’s no question in my mind that whatever he’s up to here, it’s totally ethical and legal,” Massachusetts native Samuel Brand said, adding that nothing about the man’s idling on a corner well after midnight seemed at all menacing or out of the ordinary. “Based on the fact that his car is in need of repairs and he doesn’t seem to have any reason to be here, it seems like this guy is just some law-abiding citizen looking to visit a friend or something. There certainly isn’t anything about this situation that I could call suspicious.” At press time, the man had abruptly revved his car’s engine and driven away for what sources speculate are entirely innocent reasons.

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