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Person Sitting In Parked Car At 2:00 A.M. Probably Upstanding Member Of Community

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Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.
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Person Sitting In Parked Car At 2:00 A.M. Probably Upstanding Member Of Community

SUDBURY, MA—Sources confirmed Monday that the man seen parked on a residential street at 2:00 a.m. in a ’93 Ford Lightning last night is, in all likelihood, a morally upright citizen with nothing but the most virtuous intentions. “He’s just been sitting there in the dark for the past thirty minutes in a car I’ve never seen around here before, so there’s no question in my mind that whatever he’s up to here, it’s totally ethical and legal,” Massachusetts native Samuel Brand said, adding that nothing about the man’s idling on a corner well after midnight seemed at all menacing or out of the ordinary. “Based on the fact that his car is in need of repairs and he doesn’t seem to have any reason to be here, it seems like this guy is just some law-abiding citizen looking to visit a friend or something. There certainly isn’t anything about this situation that I could call suspicious.” At press time, the man had abruptly revved his car’s engine and driven away for what sources speculate are entirely innocent reasons.

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