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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Person Sitting In Parked Car At 2:00 A.M. Probably Upstanding Member Of Community

SUDBURY, MA—Sources confirmed Monday that the man seen parked on a residential street at 2:00 a.m. in a ’93 Ford Lightning last night is, in all likelihood, a morally upright citizen with nothing but the most virtuous intentions. “He’s just been sitting there in the dark for the past thirty minutes in a car I’ve never seen around here before, so there’s no question in my mind that whatever he’s up to here, it’s totally ethical and legal,” Massachusetts native Samuel Brand said, adding that nothing about the man’s idling on a corner well after midnight seemed at all menacing or out of the ordinary. “Based on the fact that his car is in need of repairs and he doesn’t seem to have any reason to be here, it seems like this guy is just some law-abiding citizen looking to visit a friend or something. There certainly isn’t anything about this situation that I could call suspicious.” At press time, the man had abruptly revved his car’s engine and driven away for what sources speculate are entirely innocent reasons.

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