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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Person Who Clearly Hasn’t Seen ‘The Fifth Element’ Arguing There No Good Roles For Women

HOUSTON—Revealing her total ignorance of the 1997 science-fiction classic, local resident Erin Marshall, a corporate consultant who has clearly never seen the film The Fifth Element, reportedly complained Monday about Hollywood’s lack of good acting roles for women. “When it comes to big-budget movies, women are always forced to play either a one-dimensional heroine or a bland, forgettable love interest for a male protagonist,” said Marshall, who is doubtlessly unfamiliar with Milla Jovovich’s star-making turn as super-powered extraterrestrial humanoid Leeloo, a complex and compelling character exhibiting emotional vulnerability, extreme intelligence, and a wide range of martial arts talents. “There’s an unsettling scarcity of parts that celebrate and challenge the female actor, and it’s just really disappointing [that I’ve never seen the cinematic tour de force that is The Fifth Element, and still remain unaware of Jovovich learning an entire fictional language to prepare for the film].” At press time, Marshall’s argument that there are also no good roles for African-American actors was thoroughly disproved by Chris Tucker’s iconic portrayal of flamboyant talk show host Ruby Rhod.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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