adBlockCheck

Person Who Clearly Hasn’t Seen ‘The Fifth Element’ Arguing There No Good Roles For Women

Top Headlines

Entertainment

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Person Who Clearly Hasn’t Seen ‘The Fifth Element’ Arguing There No Good Roles For Women

HOUSTON—Revealing her total ignorance of the 1997 science-fiction classic, local resident Erin Marshall, a corporate consultant who has clearly never seen the film The Fifth Element, reportedly complained Monday about Hollywood’s lack of good acting roles for women. “When it comes to big-budget movies, women are always forced to play either a one-dimensional heroine or a bland, forgettable love interest for a male protagonist,” said Marshall, who is doubtlessly unfamiliar with Milla Jovovich’s star-making turn as super-powered extraterrestrial humanoid Leeloo, a complex and compelling character exhibiting emotional vulnerability, extreme intelligence, and a wide range of martial arts talents. “There’s an unsettling scarcity of parts that celebrate and challenge the female actor, and it’s just really disappointing [that I’ve never seen the cinematic tour de force that is The Fifth Element, and still remain unaware of Jovovich learning an entire fictional language to prepare for the film].” At press time, Marshall’s argument that there are also no good roles for African-American actors was thoroughly disproved by Chris Tucker’s iconic portrayal of flamboyant talk show host Ruby Rhod.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close