Person Who Will Embalm You Walking Around Out There

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.
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Person Who Will Embalm You Walking Around Out There

NEW YORK—Explaining that this will be the person who one day undresses your corpse on a flat, disinfected slab before injecting your arteries with a formaldehyde-based solution, sources confirmed Tuesday that the individual who will embalm your dead body is currently walking around out there somewhere. According to accounts, the person who will expertly contort your nude cadaver into a resting position and massage rigor mortis out of your muscles is in existence some place in the world and is engaged in everyday human activities not at all unfamiliar to you, and may, at this very moment, be enjoying a walk in a park, folding laundry, or arguing with a spouse. Sources added that the professional responsible for suturing your lifeless jaw together using a needle passed through your nostrils, and then preparing your body for display by applying cosmetics to your inanimate face in accordance with an old photograph provided by your family, could have even passed you on the street or stood behind you in line at the grocery store just this morning. Sources suggested, however, that the individuals who will truly mourn your passing may never be revealed, if any even exist at all.