Person Who Will Embalm You Walking Around Out There

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.


  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Person Who Will Embalm You Walking Around Out There

NEW YORK—Explaining that this will be the person who one day undresses your corpse on a flat, disinfected slab before injecting your arteries with a formaldehyde-based solution, sources confirmed Tuesday that the individual who will embalm your dead body is currently walking around out there somewhere. According to accounts, the person who will expertly contort your nude cadaver into a resting position and massage rigor mortis out of your muscles is in existence some place in the world and is engaged in everyday human activities not at all unfamiliar to you, and may, at this very moment, be enjoying a walk in a park, folding laundry, or arguing with a spouse. Sources added that the professional responsible for suturing your lifeless jaw together using a needle passed through your nostrils, and then preparing your body for display by applying cosmetics to your inanimate face in accordance with an old photograph provided by your family, could have even passed you on the street or stood behind you in line at the grocery store just this morning. Sources suggested, however, that the individuals who will truly mourn your passing may never be revealed, if any even exist at all.