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Person Who Will Embalm You Walking Around Out There

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Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Person Who Will Embalm You Walking Around Out There

NEW YORK—Explaining that this will be the person who one day undresses your corpse on a flat, disinfected slab before injecting your arteries with a formaldehyde-based solution, sources confirmed Tuesday that the individual who will embalm your dead body is currently walking around out there somewhere. According to accounts, the person who will expertly contort your nude cadaver into a resting position and massage rigor mortis out of your muscles is in existence some place in the world and is engaged in everyday human activities not at all unfamiliar to you, and may, at this very moment, be enjoying a walk in a park, folding laundry, or arguing with a spouse. Sources added that the professional responsible for suturing your lifeless jaw together using a needle passed through your nostrils, and then preparing your body for display by applying cosmetics to your inanimate face in accordance with an old photograph provided by your family, could have even passed you on the street or stood behind you in line at the grocery store just this morning. Sources suggested, however, that the individuals who will truly mourn your passing may never be revealed, if any even exist at all.

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