Person Who Will One Day Become Warlord-Ruler Of What Was Once Nebraska Born In Omaha Hospital

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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

Good News Kept From Parents Out Of Fear Of Proving Them Right

DANBURY, CT—Saying she wants no part of the conversation that would inevitably result if she broke the good news, local medical billing technician Jenny Comers reported Friday that she’s keeping word of her recent pay raise from her parents out of fear of proving them right.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

North American Children Begin Summer Migration To Dad’s

NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.

Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Mothershould’s Grace Manning-Devlin breaks down some of the hottest baby names of the year, such as Cooper, Tanner, Milkman, and Serf.

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Mom Gathers Rolls Of Wrapping Paper Around Her To Stroke Softly

‘Not Much Longer, My Pets’

OAKWOOD, OH—Tenderly cooing as she basked in the comforting sight of snowman, Santa, and Christmas tree patterns, local mother Melissa Weaver surrounded herself with a dozen rolls of wrapping paper to softly stroke, sources confirmed Friday.

Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

The Pros And Cons Of Freezing Your Eggs

As more women choose to pursue professional, educational, or personal goals before starting a family later in life, many consider freezing their eggs as a way of prolonging their fertility.

Homeless Child Apparently Unaware He Lives In Nanny State

NEW YORK—Considering how these days the government in this country coddles its citizens from the cradle to the grave, an 11-year-old boy currently homeless on the streets of New York must be unaware he lives in a nanny state, reports confirmed this ...

The Cost Of Raising A Child

According to a new report by the USDA, the cost of raising a child until age 18 now exceeds $245,000, after which many parents will also have to foot the bill for college.
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House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Person Who Will One Day Become Warlord-Ruler Of What Was Once Nebraska Born In Omaha Hospital

The newborn and future scourge of the post-Syndicate wasteland.
The newborn and future scourge of the post-Syndicate wasteland.

BELLEVUE, NE—Shortly after 8 a.m. Tuesday, Landon Matthew Crowley, a 7-pound, 14-ounce baby boy and the future warlord who will rule over the charred remnants of what was once the state of Nebraska, was welcomed into the world at Omaha's Methodist Hospital, sources reported.

Born to Jack and Monica Crowley of Bellevue, NE, the child is reported to be healthy and happy and unaware that he'll one day violently subdue dozens of warring, radiation-scarred factions under a brutal regime of torture and forced fealty the likes of which the Gamma Quadrant wasteland has never seen.

According to Mr. Crowley, both mother and future mass-murdering tyrant are now resting at home and "doing great."

"I can't believe he's finally here, my beautiful baby boy," said the boy's elated mother who, in 12 years' time, will be ruthlessly gunned down before her son's eyes by Prism Syndicate mech-infantry fighting in the gruesome Mineral Wars that will leave the former United States utterly demolished. "I'm so happy."

"He's my little miracle," she added, holding the sleeping infant who will be imprisoned by Syndicate authorities as an agitator and undergo horrific neural and musculoskeletal experimentation, leaving him mechanically enhanced but still pained by the all-too-human memories of loss that will forever haunt him.

According to the proud parents, their baby was born with a thick head of dark hair and "sure is hungry for a tiny fellow." The small child also will live to witness civil society collapse into murderous chaos over access to scarce sources of uncontaminated food and water, and will emerge from the bloody mayhem a feared and pitiless warrior-god.

Additionally, the child is said to have his mother's eyes.

"We had a couple names in mind, but when we saw him we just knew he was Landon—it just seems to fit," said the father of the boy who will one day be known to all soldiers in the anti-Syndicate rebellion simply as The Overseer, a man as renowned for his innate power of mind and body as for his singular lack of pity. "Now we finally feel like a real family."

"It took a little while because the little guy just didn't want to come out—he's two weeks overdue," added Mr. Crowley, oblivious that his child will slaughter thousands to impose his rule over the lawless hordes of Quadrant Gamma, Quadrant Epsilon, and the inhumanly barbarous Sioux City metro area. "I guess he must be a little shy."

To celebrate the birth, the Crowley family hosted a gathering Saturday for friends and loved ones, most of whose scorched corpses will litter the area in two decades' time, eventually being processed into much-needed nutrients and carbon fuel by forces loyal to the child. Attendees were reportedly treated to cigars and a baby blue cake bearing Landon's name.

"Aw, what a handsome little man," said grandmother Elaine Wojcik, cooing at the baby who, in 2038, will cement his sole supremacy over the gathered masses by gutting his most bitter rival while standing atop the fire-blackened hull of the Mutual of Omaha Building, screaming loudly and draping himself in entrails. "He's such a cutie."

"And just look at those itty-bitty toesies," added Wojcik, who will mercifully be incinerated alive by the collapsing U.S. government's Population Control Brigades in just 10 years and never have to see the unfeeling monster her grandchild will become. "They're just so cute you want to eat them right up."

Friends and family reportedly congratulated the happy couple on a beautiful, healthy first-born child, and took turns holding the infant who, despite his authority over nearly one-twentieth of North America, will secretly wish he had died alongside his parents so as to be spared the bleak and hyper-violent future that follows.

The Crowleys expressed profound gratitude for their son, calling the soon-to-be despot of the war-blackened hellscape "the greatest gift we've ever received."

"He's our little angel," said his mother, whose corpse the warlord will disinter and fruitlessly attempt to reanimate with cybernetic technology in a desperate effort to reconnect with his youth, revealing the only shred of humanity left in his otherwise cold and pitiless heart. "We're just so blessed to have him."

"Boy, he sure is fussy, though!" she added. "But that's probably just a phase."

After Birth Video