Personal Assistant Called After Scary Dream

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Vol 42 Issue 46

O.J. Confession Book Cancelled

After stirring up a cloud of controversy, Fox and ReganBooks parent company News Corp cancelled both publication of the O.J. Simpson book If I Did...

Male Birth-Control Pill

Scientists are reportedly close to perfecting a birth-control pill for men that will stop the development of sperm. What do you think?

Web Hits 100 Million Sites

According to Internet-monitoring company Netcraft, there are now 100 million websites with unique domain names. What do you think?

Nov. 18, 1920

Fixed World Series Heralds First-Ever Moment of Excitement In Baseball
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Personal Assistant Called After Scary Dream

SEATTLE—The urgent 2 a.m. phone call placed by architect Clark Bennett to personal assistant Marcus Peck was prompted by an unusually frightening dream, Bennett said Tuesday. "It was like someone was pinning me down, sitting on my chest, and the air was being sucked out of my lungs," Bennett said. "When I awoke, I called [Peck] to come over and fix me some warm milk and make sure the doors were locked and sit up with me in my room and read a coffee-table book to me." Peck declined to comment on the details of the incident, although it is believed he counseled Bennett to just roll over and go back to sleep.

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