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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Personal Assistant Called After Scary Dream

SEATTLE—The urgent 2 a.m. phone call placed by architect Clark Bennett to personal assistant Marcus Peck was prompted by an unusually frightening dream, Bennett said Tuesday. "It was like someone was pinning me down, sitting on my chest, and the air was being sucked out of my lungs," Bennett said. "When I awoke, I called [Peck] to come over and fix me some warm milk and make sure the doors were locked and sit up with me in my room and read a coffee-table book to me." Peck declined to comment on the details of the incident, although it is believed he counseled Bennett to just roll over and go back to sleep.

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